Sunday, 30 May 2010

The next I go again...

So I've finished the HRT and I couldn't be happier. Being an emotional psycho is bloody hard work and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...How on earth do emotional psychos manage it full time? Maybe being a hormonal emotional psycho is worse...Anyways, I am so OVER it...I hope I never come into contact with those wicked brown & white pills EVER again....

Which takes me neatly onto the next stage...

I've enjoyed a drug free weekend (never thought I'd d myself find myself saying that)but have been slightly disappointed that my tears didn't dry up with my HRT drug use, I am still crying at ridiculous things, thank god I am single or I would be seriously embarrassing myself...crying at Britain's Got Talent....purrrlease, get a grip woman.

Tomorrow morning I have the first of many early starts (I hate early starts), I am off back to the clinic to have blood taken. If it's the same as last time I'll have to go back on wednesday and probably start shooting up Suprecar & Menopur sometime around then...

Shitting myself, well not literally, but I am feeling pretty scared...and then excited...and then scared, and I go again :)

Monday, 24 May 2010

Happiness is....a milkshake :)

It's been a hard couple of weeks being a emotional psycho.

Furious one minute, close to tears the next.

I feel bloated and fat, even my feet have swollen up. This hasn't been helped by the recent heatwave. I have nothing to wear. The only thing i feel remotely comfy in makes me look like I am up the duff already, and the mood I have been in, I simply couldn't risk anyone ask me if I'm pregnant. I could not of been held responsible for my actions, my defence in court would of been 'forgive her, she's been on HRT'!! It's enough to turn anyone into a psycho.

I have failed miserably at the 'positive & calm' approach. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling of miserableness. I'm not sure how my friends feel,but i have been doing my own head in. It has been like PMT with knobs on, nothing is right, i feel highly critical of everyone & everything and I have had a strong sense of self loathing.

I hope I am not speaking too soon but I am hoping this bad patch has drawn to a close. I have felt better over the last couple of days. I'm not sure whether this is because I have finished the little brown pills & started the white pills which has pushed my body into having a bleed, or because I have discovered MILKSHAKES :) Probably a combination of both.

During my last cycle of IVF, my then acupuncturist, who I didn't really like, made me feel terribly guilty for eating dairy. This time I have been trying to eat a diet higher in protein to try & help improve the quality of my eggs.

The other day, after expressing some concern about egg collection, some lovely ladies on Twitter (@Ivyef & @jillyjohn) suggested that I drink plenty of milk, water & eat plenty of fruit. They even suggested I start making milkshakes...and that I shouldn't worry too much about calories until after the EC. Oh well, I am fat anyway,what's another couple of weeks?!!

Oh my...I am love, love,loving the milkshakes and for the first time in weeks have felt some happiness creep in! Sad isn't it?!!!

I have made a decaf coffee milkshake, a banana milkshake, a strawberry yoghurt milkshake. I have tried the lower fat version by replacing the icecream with low fat vanilla yoghurt and even that was delicious.(of course I prefer it with ice cream!!)...can i put it in a milkshake...No??? Well, i'm not interested :)

While my friends around me are enjoying nights out, glasses of wine & cocktails, I am getting excited about milkshakes...the old party animal in me is turning in her grave!!

So, just 5 more days on the little white pills, a weekend drug free (yipeeee) and then it's a trip to the clinic to have my first bloodwork done a week today. Then a week - 10 days on the injections and it'll be egg collection time...


Friday, 14 May 2010

Emotional melt down...

Well, so much for the positivity...the PMT & HRT has broken me.

So I thought I felt better this morning...
And for a few hours I did.
Saw a good friend for lunch and then took a friend for a birthday treat to Castle Howard for a cream tea.

Everything was ok until I started getting ready for the meal out to celebrate my friends birthday.

I have put on alot of weight after the last IVF cycle. My breasts have gone from a 38D to a DD, and more recently an E. They are MASSIVE. I have never had such large bosoms. I probably wouldn't mind as much if I had a partner to enjoy them. As it is they are heavy and uncomfortable.

I have about 2 outfits that fit, everything else is tight and makes me feel enormous.

Today I feel fat and bloated, and the size of a house. The PMT is bad enough but the HRT has now added to the problem. I am sure that after 5 days on the pills I have put more weight on already. They are not just messing with my mind making me an emotional psycho, they are also messing with my body and my self esteem.

My bedroom now resembles a bomb site, there are discarded clothes everywhere. I have pretty much tried (to squeeze into) every outfit that I own.
I am upset and have shed some tears, so now I can add puffy to the list of adjectives to describe myself.

The only outfit I felt vaguely comfortable in made me look pregnant already. I just can't risk going out and somebody asking me if I am with child.

Boo Hoo.

i am disgusted at my bloated beached whale appearance, frustated with myself, yet feeling terribly guilty at the same time.

There are women out there that have had genuinely bad news, BNF's, separations, deaths of family relations. Me...what is my excuse?...weeping & feeling desperate over putting on some weight & developing another couple of chins.

I feel so bad I have rung my friend & cried down the phone at her, telling her that I just couldn't face going out tonight, knowing that everyone else there will be looking gorgeous & glamourous. I knew I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Luckily she was pretty understanding, telling me that i always looked glamourous and that in no way did I look as fat as I felt.

What a sad state of affairs...

Get a grip woman.

So what do I feel like doing? Eating cake....and that's hardly gonna help my case.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Pill Popping..My daily cocktail of drugs, vitamins & Potions.

After many years of taking no pharmaceutical drugs and getting by on homeopathic remedies and flower essences, i am now taking enough pills that if you picked me up (now, lets face it, at just under 6ft this would be difficult) and shook me around a bit, I would rattle!

Start the day with a HRT tablet!!!!

Then a homeopathic remedy which is balancing my chakras. (prescribed yesterday)

Next 7 drops of She Oak & Turkey Bush Australian Bush Flower Essences.

Then, around lunch time I take my pregnacare & Royal Jelly.

Followed by another homeopathic chakra remedy.

At 8pm it's time for another HRT.

Getting ready for bed it's another homeopathic chakra remedy.

Finished off with another 7 drops of She Oak & Turkey Bush Australian Bush Flower Essences.

So for a girl who doesn't like taking pills, it seems I am making up for lost time, from one extreme to the other!

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Battling with PMT & HRT while trying to remain postive, calm & stress free...Grrrrrrr

Right, so yesterday I decided, despite the rumblings of PMT, that i was going to try and remain positive, stress free and calm for this round of IVF.

As it's my second cycle, I am feeling more relaxed about things...well some things!
I know what to expect in terms of treatment, i am not keen on the idea of HRT for 20 days...but it's a means to an end.

This time, rather than terror, i am quite looking forward to the injection part of the treatment.

As for the egg collection, fertilisation report & hopefully transfer, I am terrified.
Last time I was blissfully ignorant, i thought it was gonna work. This time, I know how much can go wrong...

Anyway, back to the positive mental attitude that I am striving for...

I can feel my body gearing itself up for a period....however the HRT that I'm taking is saying 'NO' to a release for me then.

I woke up after several mad dreams,I get up and decide that as I've been paid, that I should pay my bills. The fuckin internet banking isn't working. ( you see, despite trying to be +ive, I'm already growling)

Next as it's such a beautiful morning, I decide to go check & water all my seedlings that I am growing for my allotment. As I wander over I can see that my lettuces are looking strangely limp. As I get closer I smell the unmistakeable smell of cats piss...grrrrrrr

Yoda (my persian cat) little shit!!!!!

Shiva (my domestic tabby moggy) has an area of the yard that she uses for a litter. She always goes in the same place, I clean it out, everyones happy.

But Yoda....well Yoda will perch/straddle plants pots just so he can piss in areas I don't want him pissing. Great.
I bet no one will be surprised to learn that Shiva is a lady cat..and Yoda's a bloke...enough said?!!!

I throw damaged lettuce away and repot the survivors that had missed the toxic spray.

Time for some lunch...Oh wouldn't you know, update my twitter account & come back to realise I have burnt my lunch...


How on earth am I supposed to stay calm & stress free for this cycle of ivf? I know I am over reacting, something tiny almost pushing me over the edge but I am pre menstrual, and the world always hates me when I'm premenstrual. Normally I feel better with the first sign of blood...This time I have 19 more days of HRT before I can expect a bleed...Nooooooooooo

I could weep. But, because I am trying to remain positive, calm and stress free...I WILL NOT WEEP.

Thank God I am off to see my homeopath/acupuncturist today at 3 this afternoon, she always sorts me out, then hopefully the calm, positive me will be restored!!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

1 more sleep to go!!

And the pill popping starts again...

I'm due to start the cyclo-progynova @ 8am on Monday morning. I'm excited to be getting going again but I remember feeling a bit dodgy on them last time.

Main problem being that having ovulated last Monday my body is gearing itself up for a period.

I can feel the premenstrual rage rearing it's ugly head! Unfortunately there will be no release this month as I won't be having a bleed until I've stopped taking the little brown pills & have started taking the little white pills....

After chatting to quite a few ladies who have done IVF, not many of them seem to have taken cyclo-progynova ( HRT!). but I think some have taken birth control pills.

I am doing the short protocol again. From what I gather the HRT ( which is taken differently in IVF than when its used as HRT) surpresses my hormones & prevents my period. I basically take the brown pills morning & night for ten days, then take the white pills morning & night for 10 days, I then have a bleed.

3 days after finishing the little brown & white pills I have some blood tested.

A couple of days later I am tested again. What they are waiting / looking for is to see my own hormone levels to start kicking back in. When they do I start with my injections, suprecur & menopur. Apparently the FSH piggybacks on my own hormones...ah, it's all very clever stuff!

Last time I did injections for a week @ then had my egg collection. I wonder if I'll respond in the same way.

Must admit, I'm hoping for a few more eggs this time.

So fingers crossed for me...

This is finally it!

Monday, 3 May 2010

Ha ha...I've ovulated :)

I feel a bit giddy...2 pink lines...and i reckon the bottom one is darker...

I've ovulated...yay!

I am so excited...and today...I am ready...

I am determined that the next time I POAS it will say 'pregnant'!!!

So the HRT starts in a week, i'll have approx 20 days of that, a bleed and then be on injections for about a week - 10days, & then it'll be EC time...

I am willing myself for more eggs...I am willing them to fertilize and am praying that I get further than last time... That this time I will make it to embryo transfer with some healthy embabies...And that those embabies snuggle up tight...

God dammit...I want a BFP :)