Happiness is....a milkshake :)

It's been a hard couple of weeks being a emotional psycho.

Furious one minute, close to tears the next.

I feel bloated and fat, even my feet have swollen up. This hasn't been helped by the recent heatwave. I have nothing to wear. The only thing i feel remotely comfy in makes me look like I am up the duff already, and the mood I have been in, I simply couldn't risk anyone ask me if I'm pregnant. I could not of been held responsible for my actions, my defence in court would of been 'forgive her, she's been on HRT'!! It's enough to turn anyone into a psycho.

I have failed miserably at the 'positive & calm' approach. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling of miserableness. I'm not sure how my friends feel,but i have been doing my own head in. It has been like PMT with knobs on, nothing is right, i feel highly critical of everyone & everything and I have had a strong sense of self loathing.

I hope I am not speaking too soon but I am hoping this bad patch has drawn to a close. I have felt better over the last couple of days. I'm not sure whether this is because I have finished the little brown pills & started the white pills which has pushed my body into having a bleed, or because I have discovered MILKSHAKES :) Probably a combination of both.






During my last cycle of IVF, my then acupuncturist, who I didn't really like, made me feel terribly guilty for eating dairy. This time I have been trying to eat a diet higher in protein to try & help improve the quality of my eggs.

The other day, after expressing some concern about egg collection, some lovely ladies on Twitter (@Ivyef & @jillyjohn) suggested that I drink plenty of milk, water & eat plenty of fruit. They even suggested I start making milkshakes...and that I shouldn't worry too much about calories until after the EC. Oh well, I am fat anyway,what's another couple of weeks?!!

Oh my...I am love, love,loving the milkshakes and for the first time in weeks have felt some happiness creep in! Sad isn't it?!!!

I have made a decaf coffee milkshake, a banana milkshake, a strawberry yoghurt milkshake. I have tried the lower fat version by replacing the icecream with low fat vanilla yoghurt and even that was delicious.(of course I prefer it with ice cream!!)...can i put it in a milkshake...No??? Well, i'm not interested :)

While my friends around me are enjoying nights out, glasses of wine & cocktails, I am getting excited about milkshakes...the old party animal in me is turning in her grave!!

So, just 5 more days on the little white pills, a weekend drug free (yipeeee) and then it's a trip to the clinic to have my first bloodwork done a week today. Then a week - 10 days on the injections and it'll be egg collection time...

Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Emotional melt down...

Well, so much for the positivity...the PMT & HRT has broken me.

So I thought I felt better this morning...
And for a few hours I did.
Saw a good friend for lunch and then took a friend for a birthday treat to Castle Howard for a cream tea.

Everything was ok until I started getting ready for the meal out to celebrate my friends birthday.

I have put on alot of weight after the last IVF cycle. My breasts have gone from a 38D to a DD, and more recently an E. They are MASSIVE. I have never had such large bosoms. I probably wouldn't mind as much if I had a partner to enjoy them. As it is they are heavy and uncomfortable.

I have about 2 outfits that fit, everything else is tight and makes me feel enormous.

Today I feel fat and bloated, and the size of a house. The PMT is bad enough but the HRT has now added to the problem. I am sure that after 5 days on the pills I have put more weight on already. They are not just messing with my mind making me an emotional psycho, they are also messing with my body and my self esteem.

My bedroom now resembles a bomb site, there are discarded clothes everywhere. I have pretty much tried (to squeeze into) every outfit that I own.
I am upset and have shed some tears, so now I can add puffy to the list of adjectives to describe myself.

The only outfit I felt vaguely comfortable in made me look pregnant already. I just can't risk going out and somebody asking me if I am with child.

Boo Hoo.

i am disgusted at my bloated beached whale appearance, frustated with myself, yet feeling terribly guilty at the same time.

There are women out there that have had genuinely bad news, BNF's, separations, deaths of family relations. Me...what is my excuse?...weeping & feeling desperate over putting on some weight & developing another couple of chins.

I feel so bad I have rung my friend & cried down the phone at her, telling her that I just couldn't face going out tonight, knowing that everyone else there will be looking gorgeous & glamourous. I knew I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Luckily she was pretty understanding, telling me that i always looked glamourous and that in no way did I look as fat as I felt.

What a sad state of affairs...

Get a grip woman.

So what do I feel like doing? Eating cake....and that's hardly gonna help my case.