Let the alchemy begin-injection time .

I've got a few minutes to kill before setting off for my acupuncture sesh so I thought I'd update with the latest...

I went to the clinic yesterday to have my first bloods taken. I was a bit nervous, and not at all happy at the prospect of getting up at 6am and driving for an hour and half to get to the clinic.

I wasn't sure why I was nervous, it's not like I haven't been through this before, and lets face it, having bloods done is the easy bit. I think it's because the realisation hit that here I am, after all the waiting, embarking on Round 2 of the IVF. Somehow the 3 weeks of HRT don't seem to count. Although they should do considering how emotionally difficult & draining they were.

So arrive at the clinic, it's really busy. I try sneaking a peek at everyone else in the room, wondering what their story is. I notice that most have wedding bands on, some have even brought their husbands. Some look older than me, some look younger.

I have my blood taken and then go off into a freezing side room to sign all my latest consent forms...

'Do you remember all the risks, or shall I go through them again?'

No...I remember, only too well.

'Just cos you responded last time, doesn't mean you will respond this time'

Great...how often does that happen?

'Rare, but we have to warn you'

Oh as in rare for all of your eggs not to fertilise...great

The nurse told me not to bother ringing at midday as "It's highly unlikely you'll be ready to start, just come back on Wednesday"

This, to be honest, was what I expected but am growling inside at the thought of another early start.

So I really wasn't ready for the phone call at 1pm from the clinic telling me that my bloods revealed I was ready to go...

Whhaaaattt? Shit....I'm not ready, I'm not mentally prepared, I should have another 2 days, at least, to prepare myself for the injections...

Well, obviously not, first shot of Suprecur was done last night, OH.MY.GOD, it fuckin hurt. It burnt like hell and I had a huge red lump for hours later that I desperately wanted to scratch but didn't dare...

Tonight is the Menopur injection too...Let the alchemy begin.

Right I'm off, for some more pins, time for some acupuncture....anyone would think I'm a masochist...

What with doing the Zita West CD earlier and acupuncture this afternoon, I intend to be pretty blissed out this evening !

Happiness is....a milkshake :)

It's been a hard couple of weeks being a emotional psycho.

Furious one minute, close to tears the next.

I feel bloated and fat, even my feet have swollen up. This hasn't been helped by the recent heatwave. I have nothing to wear. The only thing i feel remotely comfy in makes me look like I am up the duff already, and the mood I have been in, I simply couldn't risk anyone ask me if I'm pregnant. I could not of been held responsible for my actions, my defence in court would of been 'forgive her, she's been on HRT'!! It's enough to turn anyone into a psycho.

I have failed miserably at the 'positive & calm' approach. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling of miserableness. I'm not sure how my friends feel,but i have been doing my own head in. It has been like PMT with knobs on, nothing is right, i feel highly critical of everyone & everything and I have had a strong sense of self loathing.

I hope I am not speaking too soon but I am hoping this bad patch has drawn to a close. I have felt better over the last couple of days. I'm not sure whether this is because I have finished the little brown pills & started the white pills which has pushed my body into having a bleed, or because I have discovered MILKSHAKES :) Probably a combination of both.






During my last cycle of IVF, my then acupuncturist, who I didn't really like, made me feel terribly guilty for eating dairy. This time I have been trying to eat a diet higher in protein to try & help improve the quality of my eggs.

The other day, after expressing some concern about egg collection, some lovely ladies on Twitter (@Ivyef & @jillyjohn) suggested that I drink plenty of milk, water & eat plenty of fruit. They even suggested I start making milkshakes...and that I shouldn't worry too much about calories until after the EC. Oh well, I am fat anyway,what's another couple of weeks?!!

Oh my...I am love, love,loving the milkshakes and for the first time in weeks have felt some happiness creep in! Sad isn't it?!!!

I have made a decaf coffee milkshake, a banana milkshake, a strawberry yoghurt milkshake. I have tried the lower fat version by replacing the icecream with low fat vanilla yoghurt and even that was delicious.(of course I prefer it with ice cream!!)...can i put it in a milkshake...No??? Well, i'm not interested :)

While my friends around me are enjoying nights out, glasses of wine & cocktails, I am getting excited about milkshakes...the old party animal in me is turning in her grave!!

So, just 5 more days on the little white pills, a weekend drug free (yipeeee) and then it's a trip to the clinic to have my first bloodwork done a week today. Then a week - 10 days on the injections and it'll be egg collection time...

Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Appt with the consultant...

So Monday was finally here...

Maybe I was gonna get some answers....why on earth did this happen to me?

The drive to the clinic was depressing, I kept thinking of what should be happening..
I should be on my way to do the embryo transfer not discuss where it had all gone horribly wrong...

My main concern...did i have dodgy eggs? Being a typical Gemini, I had two voices in my mind...I had one twin (the good twin) saying...Your fsh levels were good, your ovaries looked good, you responded well to treatment, it was suggested that you have a good ovarian reserve, this is just a blip...maybe it was the sperm...

But it was the bad twin that wouldn't shut up....your eggs are fucked, old, party animal eggs...as good as useless..there was nothing wrong with the sperm, he's got proven fertility....it's you.....time to think about donor eggs, adopting or fostering...

I'd checked out on the net for reasons for zero fertilisation, it could of been dodgy eggs, dodgy sperm, incompatibity or being just plain unlucky....was I about to find out which one it was??

Please don't tell me it's my eggs that are the problem....Please...

I sat nervously waiting to see the consultant. I watched as couples came in together. I was caught between feeling jealous that they had someone to share 'this' with and wondering what was wrong with them...was it him? Or her? Or unexplained? What struck me most was how young they all were.

There was a guy there sat eating crisps...loudly, all i could hear in the room was crunching, well I suppose it distracted me from my thoughts...

I was called in to see DR S... "How are you? We are very disappointed with the result"..

You're disappointed....er..tell me about it...I'M disappointed...

As for answers...well, I didn't really get any...

Hmmm, well apart from that it was unlikely to be the sperm as they had never had a problem with him before..

My eggs looked OK, but they could of been a little tough (a problem with older ladies eggs), meaning that the sperm couldn't get through to fertilise. There was a sperm binding issue...Millions of the little buggers and not one of them could get through...

It could also of been a compatability issue...maybe my eggs just didn't fancy the snowboarder sperm and sent out their little antibodies to schuuh the little blighters away...

Who bloody well knows?

So what's next?

The consultant has suggested ICSI and a different sperm donor..

This would resolve the tough egg issue & compatability issue...

We really won't know any more unless I suffer zero fert again, and then I think we can safely assume that I have old, dodgy, doddery, good for nothing eggs....

But for now...I'm thinking it was a BIG FAT BLIP....(you gotta think like that, or why bother doing it again...)

I have posted a question about zero fert on a Bulletien Board run by the clinic...It's a pretty good site for anyone who's interested as most subjects to do with infertility have been discussed by women going through similiar issues..

http://www.carefertility.com/ivf/viewtopic.php?t=46664

I wondered how many other women had suffered zero fertilisation and if any had gone on to achieve fertilisation or pregnancies....I was very encouraged by the responces.

It seems it's not just me, and it can be one of those things that 'just happen'...

PMA...PMA....PMA....PMA

So, I was told to expect a bleed and that it might be heavier and more painful than most....It was...

Now I am waiting for a 'natural period', then I must wait for another natural period and then I will be ready to go through the whole thing again...

Second time lucky eh...