Saturday, 4 September 2010

Emotional Meltdown - Reality Bites...

I've woken up this morning and the tears & fears that I have been holding in for a while now have broken through.

I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this, I'm sure they'd tell me this was my choice, my decision to go through this process alone. And they would be right, nobody ever said this was going to be easy.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that would be mad if they read this post. How dare I be miserable? I have something they have always wanted. A baby growing inside of me. Having spent the last year cruising with the TTC community on Twitter & bulletin boards, everyone knows you're not supposed to complain when you get pregnant. You have the greatest gift of all. But they may have something I haven't got. A partner, someone to share the highs & the lows with.

Today the realisation came crashing down. I am alone.

Most of the time, that's ok, although I would rather be with a partner, I am a fairly self sufficent idependant girl. I have to be. Today I not only feel alone, I feel lonely.

I long for someone to share this experience with. I feel I still carry the grief of the failed IVF, the process of IVF and the fact I have had to go through this alone. Having a child is something two people should do together.
Today I need someone to hug me & tell me everything is going to be ok.

From someone who used to be a bit of a social butterfly, where are my friends? Have I still got any friends, or have I removed myself from their social scene by deciding to give up on the booze, drugs, clubs & pubs & deciding to have a child? Were they even my friends at all?

I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done, from simple tasks like cleaning to organising builders to come & carry out works on my house. There seems so much to do and yet so little energy to do it with.

I'm not sure if this is the 'nesting' energy but I have a feeling, a sense that I am running out of time. I fast forward to not many months ahead when I am enormous & cant do much at all, how am I gonna put my own shoes on, bend down to feed the cats, clean the house, work?

Dont get me wrong, I am delighted to be pregnant, i'm over the moon, but there is a nagging voice in my head, how am i gonna cope on my own?


  1. Just let me say,you are allowed to feel how you need to feel. if it one thing i have learned its that no matter what we went through to get pregnant, we are still human and the emotions of actually being pregnant are the same as everyone else.
    And its HARD! i have no idea how you could do this by yourself... you are a stronger woman than i could ever be simply by getting this far... And you know what? you got this far... & all by yourself - and i know that you will be able to do this, i know that in the end while its gunna be hard, and while there are gunna be lots of tears - i know that the good times will out weigh the bad and in a little while, when things calm down, when you get the 'hang' of being a mother, you will wake up and realise your not alone - you are a mom and you have someone who will love you unconditionally for the rest of their life!
    i i could in real life i would be running over giving you the biggest squishyest hug ever right now.

  2. I think it's AMAZING that you made this decision, stuck with it and saw it right through all the crap to get to where you are now.
    You of course have every right to feel how you do - but you've got this far by being strong and that's how you'll get through in future.
    And no doubt be a bloody great mummy.

  3. Try not to worry about whether you can do this on your own - you ARE doing it, you've been doing it all through the planning, the IVF, up to now in your pregnancy, and you'll keep doing it.

    It's ok to find ups and downs in even happy situations; while there might be a culture in TTC communities of never complaining once you are actually pregnant, that's a bit tough to expect of you as you adapt to your new reality. Maybe find a board for already-pregnant mums where you can feel safe talking about your real feelings?

    Sometimes I think life has a way of protecting us in these scary moments - the situations related to our greatest fears usually end up being easy to navigate or never coming up, whereas the things that are really hard are generally those we've never even considered!

    So yes, there will be challenges, but you don't need to think about the until they actually arise.

    Hugs to you, brave and bold woman - what you are doing is really great, and there is tremendous joy ahead for you as your reward for moving out of your comfort zone.

    One day I hope you'll be able to reassure me as I panic about being pregnant in a stepfamily situation with all the dramas that will bring. Fingers crossed!

  4. Are you still feeling tired and nauseous, or has that lifted yet? I bet the energy you're supposedly going to gain in your second trimester will be a big help. Also, have you thought about asking someone to be your birth partner? A family member? A friend? It doesn't have to be a romantic partner. Sorry you're going through such a rough patch. I'm sure your baby--ALL YOURS!--will be worth it.

  5. Thank you everyone for your kind & reassuring comments.

    I have thought about a birthing partner, just not sure who i would ask, have also considered a doula but not sure if i can afford one!!


  6. I so hope things turn out well for you. Its a courageous decision you made to have a baby by yourself. We live in a society where a lot of women will be childless if they don't make this same choice. I think myself about all the boyfriends who I was with for years who weren't ready, or left me when I mentioned children. So often the women seems blamed for putting her career first but a lot of women I know have done everything they can to try to build a lasting relationship with someone that wants children, but have not found one. This is especially prevalent in scenes where there is a lot of partying, or with artist or musician type boyfriends! ! ! ! Chances are you will meet someone in the next few years (who will probably have children too!) to be together with, so its not a life sentence of aloneness! The right man will be happy that you have your daughter, and that he doesn't have to watch you go through middle age mourning for the child you never had. Lots of good vibes and admiration from another party girl. xx