I've woken up this morning and the tears & fears that I have been holding in for a while now have broken through.
I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this, I'm sure they'd tell me this was my choice, my decision to go through this process alone. And they would be right, nobody ever said this was going to be easy.
I'm sure there are plenty of people that would be mad if they read this post. How dare I be miserable? I have something they have always wanted. A baby growing inside of me. Having spent the last year cruising with the TTC community on Twitter & bulletin boards, everyone knows you're not supposed to complain when you get pregnant. You have the greatest gift of all. But they may have something I haven't got. A partner, someone to share the highs & the lows with.
Today the realisation came crashing down. I am alone.
Most of the time, that's ok, although I would rather be with a partner, I am a fairly self sufficent idependant girl. I have to be. Today I not only feel alone, I feel lonely.
I long for someone to share this experience with. I feel I still carry the grief of the failed IVF, the process of IVF and the fact I have had to go through this alone. Having a child is something two people should do together.
Today I need someone to hug me & tell me everything is going to be ok.
From someone who used to be a bit of a social butterfly, where are my friends? Have I still got any friends, or have I removed myself from their social scene by deciding to give up on the booze, drugs, clubs & pubs & deciding to have a child? Were they even my friends at all?
I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done, from simple tasks like cleaning to organising builders to come & carry out works on my house. There seems so much to do and yet so little energy to do it with.
I'm not sure if this is the 'nesting' energy but I have a feeling, a sense that I am running out of time. I fast forward to not many months ahead when I am enormous & cant do much at all, how am I gonna put my own shoes on, bend down to feed the cats, clean the house, work?
Dont get me wrong, I am delighted to be pregnant, i'm over the moon, but there is a nagging voice in my head, how am i gonna cope on my own?