Tuesday, 14 December 2010

28 week growth scan.

So excited to see my little girl again. As always, feeling a little nervous (in case anything is wrong) but those nerves lessen every time I have a scan. More so this time as I had seem the midwife the day before.

The midwife had measured my belly & Lola's heartbeat & assured me that everything was fine. My belly/ uterus was the right size & Lola's heartbeat indicated she was quite happy.

Such a relief to hear as she had been a bit quiet in recent days.

The scan coincided with my glucose test to see if I had developed gestational diabetes.

The test involved fasting from 10 the night before, no breakfast, arriving at hospital for a blood test, drink a pint of lucozade and then wait for 2 hours before having another blood test.

I was dreading it! Fasting & I are not friends. I like little & often.

However, best thing about the test was the Lola seemed to enjoy the lucozade & had a mad kicking session.

They are still quite gentle so I was able to sit back & enjoy that special feeling of being kicked from inside from that new being you have growing inside you. It made fasting worth it.

Test over, I almost ran to the cafe & ordered a double decaf latte & a sandwich. I think the barista didn't hear the word decaf so I ended up with a double shot latte.

The result being Lola being incredibly active all afternoon down to a sugar & caffeine high!!

Next up was the 28 week growth scan. First thing I saw was a perfect little foot. So adorable my heart melted.

Luckily she was looking straight at us so I got to see her chubby cheeks :)
I'm so in love.
It was fabulous to see her kicks on the screen & feel them at the same time.

Everything's good, it appears Lola is growing as she should & is in the 'average' range.

I did note that she has a slightly above average size tummy & has long legs.

Just like her Mum :)

Friday, 29 October 2010

Is it a boy or a girl ??????

Finally the big day arrived..My 20 week & 6 day scan...

I have counted down the days like a small child at Christmas...

And here 'she' is....Introducing my daughter Lola Rosetta.

I couldn't be happier :))

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Bad Blogger!

As I get excited at the up & coming 20 week scan, i realise that I haven't blogged since my nuchal fold scan! Bad Blogger.

Which means I need to update before I have my next scan!

After the nuchal fold scan my next scan was due to be around 12 weeks with the NHS.
However, because they are busy & over stretched it turned into a 14 week scan.

This was my first scan with the NHS and is known as the dating scan.

At my first appointment with the midwife she'd asked me if already had a dating scan, i replied that I had at the fertility clinic, so she pretty much said I wasn't entitled to a dating scan with the NHS. Plus, if I was considering a Nuchal fold, I definitely didn't need a 12 week scan with the NHS.

Desperate to see the bambino again, I pretty much kicked off saying that I should be entitled to the same scans as everyone else & that I shouldn't be penalised for having to have to go private. She agreed but said I should keep quite about my previous dating scan & that if I went for the nuchal fold I should cancel the NHS scan.

Yeah right. As if! Miss an oppurtunity to see the babe. No way Jose :)

So the date came round and my mum & I trundled off to the antenatal clinic at the hospital. Who should I see but the sonographer who did my nuchal fold scan!! Damn, would she recognise me? Would she blow my cover?? I thought if I was challenged I would deny all knowledge that I should of canceled this scan!

Anyway all the panic was over nothing as I was led into a different room with a different sonographer.

And this is what we saw...My precious kicking & punching cargo!

Hang on a minute...I think I recognise that nose!!!!

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Emotional Meltdown - Reality Bites...

I've woken up this morning and the tears & fears that I have been holding in for a while now have broken through.

I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this, I'm sure they'd tell me this was my choice, my decision to go through this process alone. And they would be right, nobody ever said this was going to be easy.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that would be mad if they read this post. How dare I be miserable? I have something they have always wanted. A baby growing inside of me. Having spent the last year cruising with the TTC community on Twitter & bulletin boards, everyone knows you're not supposed to complain when you get pregnant. You have the greatest gift of all. But they may have something I haven't got. A partner, someone to share the highs & the lows with.

Today the realisation came crashing down. I am alone.

Most of the time, that's ok, although I would rather be with a partner, I am a fairly self sufficent idependant girl. I have to be. Today I not only feel alone, I feel lonely.

I long for someone to share this experience with. I feel I still carry the grief of the failed IVF, the process of IVF and the fact I have had to go through this alone. Having a child is something two people should do together.
Today I need someone to hug me & tell me everything is going to be ok.

From someone who used to be a bit of a social butterfly, where are my friends? Have I still got any friends, or have I removed myself from their social scene by deciding to give up on the booze, drugs, clubs & pubs & deciding to have a child? Were they even my friends at all?

I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done, from simple tasks like cleaning to organising builders to come & carry out works on my house. There seems so much to do and yet so little energy to do it with.

I'm not sure if this is the 'nesting' energy but I have a feeling, a sense that I am running out of time. I fast forward to not many months ahead when I am enormous & cant do much at all, how am I gonna put my own shoes on, bend down to feed the cats, clean the house, work?

Dont get me wrong, I am delighted to be pregnant, i'm over the moon, but there is a nagging voice in my head, how am i gonna cope on my own?

Thursday, 26 August 2010

12 week scan / Nuchal Fold Test

Once again I was experiencing the excitement/terror vibe.

Excited at seeing the bambino again but terrified of the results of the nuchal fold scan.

As an older Mum, my risk of having a Downs Syndrome baby is obviously higher than some fresh 30 year old. It's amazing how many people like to point that out, just incase I had forgotten any previous scaremongering. As if.

So once I had found out that my 12 week scan with the NHS was infact going to be more like a 15 week scan I decided to book myself in for a nuchal fold scan, which of course York PCT doesn't pay for... many other PCT's do include this service for older Mum's...but York...don't be silly!!

My Midwife had told me that I should go to the clinic in Stamford Bridge, then if I got the 'wrong' result they could 'get me in quick' as one of their Consultants carried out the scans.

I told her that whatever the result I had no intention of aborting my baby,having gone through IVF if this baby was Down's then that was something I would have to accept. I just saw the test as a 'heads up' and thought it would give me a chance to get my head round a Down's baby if that's what was going to happen.

But I was scared, no one wants a Down's baby by choice and I started to get nervous about the test.

Scan day arrived, my appointment wasn't until 6.40pm so I paced around all day! Mum arrived about 4.30 with cake to keep me distrated. As we got in the car it became apparent that the traffic was DREADFUL. Damn it, after all that waiting we were going to be late!!!!

Finally got there about 10 minutes late, luckily they were behind time so it didn't matter. I even had to wait for another 20 minutes with a full bladder & nerves, NOT FUN!!!

At last it was my turn...

My little bean had grown arms & legs, it was waving & kicking and looked more like a baby than a bean...

The sonographer said that everything looked good and that the nuchal translucency was about 1mm which meant that Downs was unlikely....HOOOORAH, sooooo happy.

I had some bloods taken now I just had to wait for these combined results that would arrive in a couple of days.

Until then i just stared at the pictures of my bambino.


Previous risk, age etc: 1 in 93
Adjusted Risk: 1 in 1857

Skull/brain appears normal,heart appears normal,spine appears normal, abdomen appears normal, stomach visible, bladder visible, hands both visible, feet both visible.

Summary of ultrasound findings: Normal intrauterine pregnancy.

I couldn't be happier :)

Next stop 15 week scan with the NHS.

9 week Scan Pics...

Despite having seen the heartbeat at my 7 week scan, i was still anxious. I'd had an electric shock which got me in a panic. Was the baby still ok, was it still growing? Everyone told me not to worry but my mind was still in overdrive so I booked myself in for a private scan. I'd rather pay the £100 just so i knew things were on track than worry until my 12 week scan.

Although lovely, the clinic experience was slightly odd. My Mum was busy and my friends who knew about my pregnancy were all otherwise engaged so I went on my own. I was quite happy to do this and hadn't really thought anything about it until...

"No partner /husband with you today?"

"Er, no!!"

"You do realise you could of brought someone"

"Yes, everyone was busy!"


After an awkward 10 minutes I finally got to go in for my scan.

I went in and asked her if I needed to take my trousers off, having being used to wandy, i was slightly shocked & greatly relieved when she told me just unbutton my jeans...

I had graduated to a tummy scan...wooo hoo :)

This is what I saw..

The little bean had grown into a bigger bean and the heart was still beating. I could of cried I was so happy & relieved. The measurements revealed that we were on track....

I felt lighter as I walked out of the clinic.

Yay....I was still pregnant.

"I'm so relieved" I told my Mum...
"Yes" she said. "I wonder for how long!"

The joy lasted about 3 days before the panic & anxiety began to creep back in...

Monday, 23 August 2010

My guest post for Your Great Life.

I was invited to do a guest post for the Blog 'Your Great Life'

'I expected to be judged, frowned upon for choosing single motherhood'

(sorry, blogger won't allow me to do a proper link!!)

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Over the moon and jumping for joy :)

Yay...wooo hoooo....we have a heart beat :) (Star jumps around, skips around the room :)

After a very nervous week the day for the 7 week scan finally arrives.

Now google and bulletin boards can be very helpful and supportive while you are trying to concieve. Once you have conceived they can be VERY BAD PLACES.

In my excitement I had googled what to expect at a 7 week ultrasound. My eyes wandered down to a post written by a woman who had had her 7 week scan and NOT seen a heart beat....Oh God, No...something else for me to worry about...

I had read that sometimes you can see a heart beat at 6 weeks, which worried me that we hadn't seen one at the 6 week scan, despite the nurse telling me it was too early.

So what with all the scare stories I had a pretty anxious week.

I arrived at the clinic and the nurse asked me how i'd been. Nervous I replied. Yes, said the nurse, as if i had every reason to be.

I got myself perched on the chair and got my legs into the stirrups and waited for the nurse to prepare wandy...

First thing I saw was the nurse beaming...

There, right before my eyes was what was definitely a heart beat. I could see it before she even pointed it out.

A huge sigh of relief and a few tears later she told me that although I was 7 weeks the following day, the baby measured 7 weeks and 3 days so was a good size. The little bean had doubled in size from last week.

So now I have my 'congratulations,your scan revealed a viable pregancy' letter and have been discharged from the fertility clinic. I am now just like any other pregnant lady!!!

I couldn't be happier :)

Friday, 16 July 2010

Sorry, I've been a bad blogger!!

So...it took a little while for the BFP (big fat positive) to sink in...

I think in the end it took 8 tests for me to really start believing it was true!

I took 2 on the first day of testing (Sunday), another on the following day...just to check and then was due to take the clinic's test (the one the provided) on the Tuesday, my official test date. It wasn't that I didn't believe the first responce tests but I had got it into my head that the clinic's test would be the one I would completely trust beyond a shadow of the doubt.

Imagine my disappointment when the 2nd line was so faint on the clinc's test that I could hardly see it. I rang the clinic and explained that I had already got 3 positives but was concerned about the faint lines on their test. (I had read online of a woman who got a positive and by the time she took a clinic blood test 2 days later she was no longer pregnant, I was paranoid this might of been the case..Was I still pregnant?)

The nurse said if I was worried to test again the following day..

So test I did, several times! My favourite had to be the digital clear blue tests that actually have PREGNANT written on them.....Yep still pregnant but i was still unsettled by the faint pink lines on the clinic's cheap rubbish test!!!

So I tested some more...yep...still pregnant...but still couldn't really believe it.

My 7 week scan was booked for approx 2 weeks time, i couldn't believe I had another 2 week wait!! No way!!! As if the first 2WW wasn't hard enough....another one!!

I then started to get some scary pains on my right hand side of my womb/uterus. I googled it to be scared out of my mind that it could be ectopic, and that that could of explained the faint lines on the test. I rang the clinic and the nurse brought my test foward a week to make sure all was ok.

Meanwhile, guess what? I carried on testing!! I was delighted to see the clear blue tests go from 1-2 weeks pregnant, to 3+ weeks pregnant. I know in the States, ladies have beta tests and are reassured when they see their levels increase. For me the only indication that anything was happening 'in there' was the clear blue tests. At least I knew my levels of HCG were increasing.

A few scary days of waiting and it was finally scan day..I was shitting it...

But I needn't of worried because this is what we saw..

The nurse said there was everything she wanted to see at this stage. A sac and a fetal pole. Can you see that tiny white dot? That's my tiny baby!! We were a little early to see the heart beat but we would hopefully see that next week at my 7 week scan.

Phew...I was so relieved...briefly....until I started worrying about whether there would be a heart beat. I don't know, I just get over one worry and immediatley start worrying about the next milestone...will I ever be able to relax and enjoy this pregancy or will i be a worry guts throughout?

At least now I could stop with the pregnancy tests!!

Monday, 28 June 2010

The 2WW

Well, I finally made it, the dreaded 2 week wait!!!!

Little embaby all snug inside me...PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!!!

There were times that I worried that I would never get this far...Now I'm here I have something new to worry about!!

Such a strange feeling to think there is a tiny embryo, the beginings of a new life inside me.

I knew that it was a good 8 cell, grade 1 embaby, but i immediatly started worrying, would it survive? Would it grow?

People told me that I should relax, take it easy, enjoy PUPO, er...right...how exactly do I do that?!!!

I tried the bedrest, that lasted all of an hour, i tried reading...well that lasted approx ten minutes! There was no way I could concentrate on anything.

I settled for watching stuff on the laptop. I took it really easy, but then felt guilty for just carrying my laptop upstairs...was I doing too much?!!! I worried when watering the plants, i worried about sneezing & coughing...despite being told not too.

Luckily I had my birthday to distract me. A few of us went out to lunch at Castle Howard. As a child, every birthday I had was stonkingly hot (being in June), the past 5 years it has pissed it down, in torrential stylee. This year...beautiful. A few people said it was a good omen, i didn't dare believe them.

When having the transfer everyone who looked at my notes commented that it was my birthday in 2 days and what a wonderful present it was to have such a healthy embaby. I felt blessed to be PUPO but the dominant feeling was fear, terror, scared that it wouldn't work.

Thank God for Zita West, for her relaxation CD kept me as calm as was possible under the circumstances, and for the allotment. Every time my mind got a little crazy, i went up there and relaxed in the peace & quiet.

So the first week over, fuck...that dragged. I imagined the 2nd week would be even worse. Wrong....it was speeding by at an alarming rate, zooming towards the pregnancy test. I was tempted to test early and luckily was persuaded not to for fear of a false negative. On one hand I wanted to know, to be put out of my misery, on the other I wasn't ready for the dream to be over. I needed more time, at some points I wished it had been a 3WW!

At 10dpt (days past transfer)I thought it was over. I had the tiniest amount of brown CM, my heart sank to my feet. Was it all over? I reasoned that it couldn't be my period, I was on far too many drugs for that. ( I suppose I should mention my drug regime, 3 pessaries a day, another one at bedtime up my bum and 3 tablets of oestrogen)

I immediatly went to Twitter and tweeted my concerns, pretty quickly i was reassured that it was probably implantation bleeding and a good sign...phew...but I was still worried, with a little hope thrown in...

When imagining the result I forced myself to see myself reading 2 lines, telling my family 'yay it worked', typing BFP on my keyboard....PLEASE let it work....

13dpt I couldn't wait any longer....I took a test

Monday, 14 June 2010

Embryo Transfer!!!!

Yay. Hurrah....Good news :)

The embryologist rang this morning and told me the amazing news that the embaby was now 8 cells and was a Grade One.

The news could not of been better. I was so excited and so relieved.

So later on this afternoon I went back to the clinic for my embryo transfer.

Everything went smoothly so I am now PUPO...I couldn't be happier!!

My beautiful embaby.

An agonising wait.

I didn't sleep well, but I'm surprised I slept at all.

Luckily the clinic didn't keep me waiting for long.

At a few minutes past nine I got the call.

Of the 4 eggs, 2 had been immature, one had fertilised badly but I had ONE GOOD FERTILISED EGG. Hurrah.

I was so relieved, the embryologist said that she was optimistic that the egg would divide & grow but that she would give me a ring on Monday morning to give me a status update & confirm transfer details.

So, one step forward but another agonising wait, willing my little embaby to grow & divide.

Grow embaby, grow.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Egg Collection Day Number 2!

Despite having taken the prescribed Temazapam, I didn't sleep brilliantly.

I kept waking up wondering what the time was. Got to ten to 6 and I got bored with trying to sleep and got up. I cannot remember ever getting up in the 5 oclock hour, going to bed, well maybe.

Managed a banana & yoghurt smoothie and waited for Mum to arrive.

Drive to Sheffield was painless enough, apart from a couple of nutters who cut me up and nearly killed us before I had chance to have my eggs collected.

Arrived at the clinic, put on the glamourous gown, disgusting Crocs (I soooo hate those things) and necked the remainder of the temazapam (2 pills) and went to the loo to stick the diclofenac up my bum!!

I remember enjoying the drugs more last time, maybe this time I was more anxious, there seemed more at state, this was the final go and I was nervous about how many eggs I would get.

The procedure itself hurt more than last time, again I think because I was less relaxed.

First call from the embryologist was 'just cells', my heart sank.
'we need an egg from this one please' said the Dr.
Sure enough...'First egg' was the next thing I heard from the embryologist ...phew at least I had one!

Half an hour later and the procedure was over...I had 4 eggs. I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed.

The nurse assured me that that was good, and that on the short protocol they normally expect a woman to produce 3 - 5 eggs. I had never heard that before but it made me feel better immediately.

The Dr came in and said that he had been happy with the procedure, that everything had gone acording to plan and that all we needed was a bit of luck.

The embryologist came in and said that the sperm looked good, they would do the ICSI that afternoon and then ring me in the morning...

Now the agonising wait for the fertilisation report.

This is where it all went wrong last time. I couldn't bear to think of it happening again.

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

The final countdown...

Shit Shit Shit...

It's almost here....I'm counting down the hours until the Trigger Shot.

I went to the clinic on Monday for my bloodwork and first scan.
My womb lining was nice and thick & I had one follicle of a decent size, 3 or 4 that they hoped would ripen up if they 'left' me a couple of days, and a few that probably wouldn't make it in time.

So I was sent home with some more Menopur, told to inject for another couple of nights and to come back on Wednesday. (Today)

Like a good girl, i did as I was told. During IVF you don't dare do anything but. You follow instructions to the letter, to the minute.

I woke up feeling heavier, and hoped this was down to my lovely follicles growing into a decent size. Last time I had 5 eggs, 4 of which were mature, none of which fertilised. I was hoping for more this time. I was hoping for at least 6 or 7. Call me greedy.

So at the clinic this morning I was some what disappointed to discover that I only had 4 follicles of the right size. There's a couple of follicles that might grow up in time but these will definitely be a bonus.

I'm trying not to be disheartened and to stay positive but I'm struggling. If it wasn't for my lovely Twitter friends I would be in a right old state!!

They have reminded me that it only takes one good egg and that for some people, 4 follicles is a good amount.

I'm just a bit pissed off with my left ovary. My right ovary has been a good ovary and basically created all of the worthy follicles... What has the left ovary done? Not a bloody lot, a few pesky follicles that have no intention of ripening up by Friday. Damn you left ovary...what happened? Last time you performed ok, you had the same drugs as the right, what's your problem?!!

Anyways, I am a nervous wreck. I am terrified. This time during the last cycle of IVF I was so excited. This time I am horribly aware of what can go wrong.

How many eggs will be recovered? How many will be mature? How many will fertilise?

Will I get as far as asking the next set of questions?

How many have divided? How many are still alive on transfer day?
How many can I have transfered?
When's my OTD?

So many questions, and I just have to wait for the answers...

This is gonna be hard, I have been burnt by last times experience and patience was never one of my strong points.


Wish me luck everyone :)

Trigger shot is at 9.30 tonight.

UPDATE: Trigger shot is done :)

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Let the alchemy begin-injection time .

I've got a few minutes to kill before setting off for my acupuncture sesh so I thought I'd update with the latest...

I went to the clinic yesterday to have my first bloods taken. I was a bit nervous, and not at all happy at the prospect of getting up at 6am and driving for an hour and half to get to the clinic.

I wasn't sure why I was nervous, it's not like I haven't been through this before, and lets face it, having bloods done is the easy bit. I think it's because the realisation hit that here I am, after all the waiting, embarking on Round 2 of the IVF. Somehow the 3 weeks of HRT don't seem to count. Although they should do considering how emotionally difficult & draining they were.

So arrive at the clinic, it's really busy. I try sneaking a peek at everyone else in the room, wondering what their story is. I notice that most have wedding bands on, some have even brought their husbands. Some look older than me, some look younger.

I have my blood taken and then go off into a freezing side room to sign all my latest consent forms...

'Do you remember all the risks, or shall I go through them again?'

No...I remember, only too well.

'Just cos you responded last time, doesn't mean you will respond this time'

Great...how often does that happen?

'Rare, but we have to warn you'

Oh as in rare for all of your eggs not to fertilise...great

The nurse told me not to bother ringing at midday as "It's highly unlikely you'll be ready to start, just come back on Wednesday"

This, to be honest, was what I expected but am growling inside at the thought of another early start.

So I really wasn't ready for the phone call at 1pm from the clinic telling me that my bloods revealed I was ready to go...

Whhaaaattt? Shit....I'm not ready, I'm not mentally prepared, I should have another 2 days, at least, to prepare myself for the injections...

Well, obviously not, first shot of Suprecur was done last night, OH.MY.GOD, it fuckin hurt. It burnt like hell and I had a huge red lump for hours later that I desperately wanted to scratch but didn't dare...

Tonight is the Menopur injection too...Let the alchemy begin.

Right I'm off, for some more pins, time for some acupuncture....anyone would think I'm a masochist...

What with doing the Zita West CD earlier and acupuncture this afternoon, I intend to be pretty blissed out this evening !

Sunday, 30 May 2010

The next step....here I go again...

So I've finished the HRT and I couldn't be happier. Being an emotional psycho is bloody hard work and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...How on earth do emotional psychos manage it full time? Maybe being a hormonal emotional psycho is worse...Anyways, I am so OVER it...I hope I never come into contact with those wicked brown & white pills EVER again....

Which takes me neatly onto the next stage...

I've enjoyed a drug free weekend (never thought I'd d myself find myself saying that)but have been slightly disappointed that my tears didn't dry up with my HRT drug use, I am still crying at ridiculous things, thank god I am single or I would be seriously embarrassing myself...crying at Britain's Got Talent....purrrlease, get a grip woman.

Tomorrow morning I have the first of many early starts (I hate early starts), I am off back to the clinic to have blood taken. If it's the same as last time I'll have to go back on wednesday and probably start shooting up Suprecar & Menopur sometime around then...

Shitting myself, well not literally, but I am feeling pretty scared...and then excited...and then scared again....ooo, and excited....here I go again :)

Monday, 24 May 2010

Happiness is....a milkshake :)

It's been a hard couple of weeks being a emotional psycho.

Furious one minute, close to tears the next.

I feel bloated and fat, even my feet have swollen up. This hasn't been helped by the recent heatwave. I have nothing to wear. The only thing i feel remotely comfy in makes me look like I am up the duff already, and the mood I have been in, I simply couldn't risk anyone ask me if I'm pregnant. I could not of been held responsible for my actions, my defence in court would of been 'forgive her, she's been on HRT'!! It's enough to turn anyone into a psycho.

I have failed miserably at the 'positive & calm' approach. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling of miserableness. I'm not sure how my friends feel,but i have been doing my own head in. It has been like PMT with knobs on, nothing is right, i feel highly critical of everyone & everything and I have had a strong sense of self loathing.

I hope I am not speaking too soon but I am hoping this bad patch has drawn to a close. I have felt better over the last couple of days. I'm not sure whether this is because I have finished the little brown pills & started the white pills which has pushed my body into having a bleed, or because I have discovered MILKSHAKES :) Probably a combination of both.

During my last cycle of IVF, my then acupuncturist, who I didn't really like, made me feel terribly guilty for eating dairy. This time I have been trying to eat a diet higher in protein to try & help improve the quality of my eggs.

The other day, after expressing some concern about egg collection, some lovely ladies on Twitter (@Ivyef & @jillyjohn) suggested that I drink plenty of milk, water & eat plenty of fruit. They even suggested I start making milkshakes...and that I shouldn't worry too much about calories until after the EC. Oh well, I am fat anyway,what's another couple of weeks?!!

Oh my...I am love, love,loving the milkshakes and for the first time in weeks have felt some happiness creep in! Sad isn't it?!!!

I have made a decaf coffee milkshake, a banana milkshake, a strawberry yoghurt milkshake. I have tried the lower fat version by replacing the icecream with low fat vanilla yoghurt and even that was delicious.(of course I prefer it with ice cream!!)...can i put it in a milkshake...No??? Well, i'm not interested :)

While my friends around me are enjoying nights out, glasses of wine & cocktails, I am getting excited about milkshakes...the old party animal in me is turning in her grave!!

So, just 5 more days on the little white pills, a weekend drug free (yipeeee) and then it's a trip to the clinic to have my first bloodwork done a week today. Then a week - 10 days on the injections and it'll be egg collection time...


Friday, 14 May 2010

Emotional melt down...

Well, so much for the positivity...the PMT & HRT has broken me.

So I thought I felt better this morning...
And for a few hours I did.
Saw a good friend for lunch and then took a friend for a birthday treat to Castle Howard for a cream tea.

Everything was ok until I started getting ready for the meal out to celebrate my friends birthday.

I have put on alot of weight after the last IVF cycle. My breasts have gone from a 38D to a DD, and more recently an E. They are MASSIVE. I have never had such large bosoms. I probably wouldn't mind as much if I had a partner to enjoy them. As it is they are heavy and uncomfortable.

I have about 2 outfits that fit, everything else is tight and makes me feel enormous.

Today I feel fat and bloated, and the size of a house. The PMT is bad enough but the HRT has now added to the problem. I am sure that after 5 days on the pills I have put more weight on already. They are not just messing with my mind making me an emotional psycho, they are also messing with my body and my self esteem.

My bedroom now resembles a bomb site, there are discarded clothes everywhere. I have pretty much tried (to squeeze into) every outfit that I own.
I am upset and have shed some tears, so now I can add puffy to the list of adjectives to describe myself.

The only outfit I felt vaguely comfortable in made me look pregnant already. I just can't risk going out and somebody asking me if I am with child.

Boo Hoo.

i am disgusted at my bloated beached whale appearance, frustated with myself, yet feeling terribly guilty at the same time.

There are women out there that have had genuinely bad news, BNF's, separations, deaths of family relations. Me...what is my excuse?...weeping & feeling desperate over putting on some weight & developing another couple of chins.

I feel so bad I have rung my friend & cried down the phone at her, telling her that I just couldn't face going out tonight, knowing that everyone else there will be looking gorgeous & glamourous. I knew I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Luckily she was pretty understanding, telling me that i always looked glamourous and that in no way did I look as fat as I felt.

What a sad state of affairs...

Get a grip woman.

So what do I feel like doing? Eating cake....and that's hardly gonna help my case.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Pill Popping..My daily cocktail of drugs, vitamins & Potions.

After many years of taking no pharmaceutical drugs and getting by on homeopathic remedies and flower essences, i am now taking enough pills that if you picked me up (now, lets face it, at just under 6ft this would be difficult) and shook me around a bit, I would rattle!

Start the day with a HRT tablet!!!!

Then a homeopathic remedy which is balancing my chakras. (prescribed yesterday)

Next 7 drops of She Oak & Turkey Bush Australian Bush Flower Essences.

Then, around lunch time I take my pregnacare & Royal Jelly.

Followed by another homeopathic chakra remedy.

At 8pm it's time for another HRT.

Getting ready for bed it's another homeopathic chakra remedy.

Finished off with another 7 drops of She Oak & Turkey Bush Australian Bush Flower Essences.

So for a girl who doesn't like taking pills, it seems I am making up for lost time, from one extreme to the other!

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Battling with PMT & HRT while trying to remain postive, calm & stress free...Grrrrrrr

Right, so yesterday I decided, despite the rumblings of PMT, that i was going to try and remain positive, stress free and calm for this round of IVF.

As it's my second cycle, I am feeling more relaxed about things...well some things!
I know what to expect in terms of treatment, i am not keen on the idea of HRT for 20 days...but it's a means to an end.

This time, rather than terror, i am quite looking forward to the injection part of the treatment.

As for the egg collection, fertilisation report & hopefully transfer, I am terrified.
Last time I was blissfully ignorant, i thought it was gonna work. This time, I know how much can go wrong...

Anyway, back to the positive mental attitude that I am striving for...

I can feel my body gearing itself up for a period....however the HRT that I'm taking is saying 'NO' to a period....no release for me then.

I woke up after several mad dreams,I get up and decide that as I've been paid, that I should pay my bills. The fuckin internet banking isn't working. ( you see, despite trying to be +ive, I'm already growling)

Next as it's such a beautiful morning, I decide to go check & water all my seedlings that I am growing for my allotment. As I wander over I can see that my lettuces are looking strangely limp. As I get closer I smell the unmistakeable smell of cats piss...grrrrrrr

Yoda (my persian cat)....you little shit!!!!!

Shiva (my domestic tabby moggy) has an area of the yard that she uses for a litter. She always goes in the same place, I clean it out, everyones happy.

But Yoda....well Yoda will perch/straddle plants pots just so he can piss in areas I don't want him pissing. Great.
I bet no one will be surprised to learn that Shiva is a lady cat..and Yoda's a bloke...enough said?!!!

I throw damaged lettuce away and repot the survivors that had missed the toxic spray.

Time for some lunch...Oh wouldn't you know, update my twitter account & come back to realise I have burnt my lunch...


How on earth am I supposed to stay calm & stress free for this cycle of ivf? I know I am over reacting, something tiny almost pushing me over the edge but I am pre menstrual, and the world always hates me when I'm premenstrual. Normally I feel better with the first sign of blood...This time I have 19 more days of HRT before I can expect a bleed...Nooooooooooo

I could weep. But, because I am trying to remain positive, calm and stress free...I WILL NOT WEEP.

Thank God I am off to see my homeopath/acupuncturist today at 3 this afternoon, she always sorts me out, then hopefully the calm, positive me will be restored!!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

1 more sleep to go!!

And the pill popping starts again...

I'm due to start the cyclo-progynova @ 8am on Monday morning. I'm excited to be getting going again but I remember feeling a bit dodgy on them last time.

Main problem being that having ovulated last Monday my body is gearing itself up for a period.

I can feel the premenstrual rage rearing it's ugly head! Unfortunately there will be no release this month as I won't be having a bleed until I've stopped taking the little brown pills & have started taking the little white pills....

After chatting to quite a few ladies who have done IVF, not many of them seem to have taken cyclo-progynova ( HRT!). but I think some have taken birth control pills.

I am doing the short protocol again. From what I gather the HRT ( which is taken differently in IVF than when its used as HRT) surpresses my hormones & prevents my period. I basically take the brown pills morning & night for ten days, then take the white pills morning & night for 10 days, I then have a bleed.

3 days after finishing the little brown & white pills I have some blood tested.

A couple of days later I am tested again. What they are waiting / looking for is to see my own hormone levels to start kicking back in. When they do I start with my injections, suprecur & menopur. Apparently the FSH piggybacks on my own hormones...ah, it's all very clever stuff!

Last time I did injections for a week @ then had my egg collection. I wonder if I'll respond in the same way.

Must admit, I'm hoping for a few more eggs this time.

So fingers crossed for me...

This is finally it!

Monday, 3 May 2010

Ha ha...I've ovulated :)

I feel a bit giddy...2 pink lines...and i reckon the bottom one is darker...

I've ovulated...yay!

I am so excited...and today...I am ready...

I am determined that the next time I POAS it will say 'pregnant'!!!

So the HRT starts in a week, i'll have approx 20 days of that, a bleed and then be on injections for about a week - 10days, & then it'll be EC time...

I am willing myself for more eggs...I am willing them to fertilize and am praying that I get further than last time... That this time I will make it to embryo transfer with some healthy embabies...And that those embabies snuggle up tight...

God dammit...I want a BFP :)

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Ready or not, here I come...


This morning my CM started to resemble egg white and the little pink lines on the ovulation stix appeared to be a little darker....ovulation is not far away....


Am I ready?

Tough if I'm not...

Round two here I come

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Excitement or Terror?

So it's Day 10 of my cycle tomorrow, which means only one thing..

Round 2 of the IVF is imminent...woooo hoooo or is it....shit, OMG....waaahhhhh?

I feel like I have a split personality, one minute I am so excited I feel like I am having palpatations, the next minute I am so scared I can hardly breathe...

All I know is that before I know it I will be back on the HRT and back, to & fro from the clinic, having blood drawn, being probed by wandy, mixing my FSH, having bubble trouble, injecting myself in the leg, nervously counting follicles and waiting for the big EC (egg collection).

Half of me is ready, the other half is screaming "No....I'm not ready..Wait a minute, what on earth is going on?"

PMA, PMA, PMA....I must have a positive mental attitude....I can't even bring myself to think about a negative result, I'm not sure how I would deal with it, just thinking about it briefly is enough to make me shudder...

This has got to work....it just has to...

I've done the sums...my OTD will be around the day of my 41st birthday, what an amazing birthday present a BFP would be...

Yes please, a BFP for me :)

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Freak like me...

Yesterday I met up with a friend who i haven't seen for a couple of months, I had been quite looking forward to it. I've been lying low since the last round of IVF, not wanting to find excuses for not drinking, (I've used up the I'm on antibiotics story.)

As I strolled into the bar I saw her smile turn into a frown..
"God, arn't you tall enough already? You'll make me look tiny"

Yep...I'm a tall woman (just under 6ft) who likes to wear heels (especially on a fat day)...DEAL WITH IT....It's not my fault you're a short arse....

A little later on during our lunch..

"So how long have you been straightening your hair? I love your curly hair. Why do people like you who have beautiful hair that most of us would kill for, insist on straightening your hair? I would love to have your hair."

I explained I was tired of looking like Russell Brand in the morning,not that I have any idea what Russell Brand looks like in the morning, but it's really not a good look for me, there looks like something has been nesting in the top of my head all night.

I am tired at having to spend at least half an hour in the morning trying to get rid of the back combed Crystal Tips on a bad day look (anyone remember her? Crystal Tips & Alastair)

Hell, even on a good day I look like Diana Ross in the Chain Reaction video...anyone need a visual reminder?

No...it's easier, better for my self esteem, less time consuming, less hair products and generally less scariness involved in the mornings now I straighten my hair...

This was met with extreme disapproval...I could see it in her face that she wasn't convinced by my arguement, I swear she TUT-ed with her eyes...I could see her eyebrows move..
"So, have you met anyone yet?"

Nope, no one of interest.
"You're not still seeing 'HIM' are you?"

Nope...that finished a while back, and he does have a name.

"Well, you better get a move on sweets, you're not getting any younger!"
She's smiling as she says this, as if she's offering me some invaluable and good intentioned advice.
I'm inwardly growling... No shit Sherlock.

We move on to my job..
"You still there then?"

Yes...I am still there..
"How long has it been?"

It's been over 10 years...as well you know. It's been so long I've stopped counting.

"So, any holidays booked this year? I am off to Florida in July"
Nope, no holidays booked (as if I can afford holidays with what's going on)
"What's wrong with you? I just can't get through the winter unless I've booked our jollies for the year. We are going to the South of France in October too."

But she doesn't know what's really going on, she knows nothing about the IVF...
She doesn't know that I am attempting to get pregnant using donor sperm...

And considering she has just made me feel like a freak of nature for wearing high heels, straightening my hair, being single, having held down a job for over ten years and for not booking a holiday...I'm not about to tell her either...

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Flower Essences, Infertility & IVF

I've been suggesting Flower Essences to quite a few people recently so i thought I would blog some info & some helpful links...

Flower essences have been used for centuries and can act as catalysts for change and transformation. They can help us to find the energy, strength, motivation and enthusiasm needed to pursue our goals and dreams, in all aspects of our lives, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I had been using Bach Flower Rescue Remedy for years until I discovered the Australian Bush Flower Essences..I love the Bach Flower Essences and they are much easier to find in England but I find the Australian Essences so much more powerful.

The Bach Flower Rescue Remedy or the Australian version, Emergency Essence are fantastic for pretty much everything, for when you're stressed, suffering from insomnia,worry, pain of any kind, after an accident or shock, or can be taken before a stressful event,for instance before a driving test, exams, a visit to the dentist,before going for your egg collection, even in helping to get over the disappointment of a BFN...

I was so amazed at Austaralian Bush Flower Essences effectiveness that I bought the whole set and have been treating people with them for approx ten years. I have never seen them fail and have been constantly in awe at what they can do. Two of my most memorable cases involved women TTC. Both had quite complex cases (PCOS & Fibroids) and had both being TTC for about 5 years. Within three months of taking the flower essence 'SHE OAK' both had fallen pregnant and now have very healthy children.

If you are struggling with fertility issues, if there is one remedy you should take it is SHE OAK, I am convinced it can work miracles!!
She Oak Essence is very beneficial in overcoming imbalances in and bringing about a sense of wellbeing in females. It will benefit women who feel distressed about infertility.

The beauty of these Flower Essences is that they are completely safe and can be taken when TTC or when pregnant.

I'm happy to answer any questions you may have just leave a comment or tweet me!

More info...

Flower Essences & IVF (Bach, Australian & Californian)

Link to info about SHE OAK....

Interesting ezineartical about Bach Flowers & IVF...

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Another chat with the psychic...

I had just finished my dinner when there was a knock on my door...

I opened it to see my neighbours friend, the psychic man who told me the other day that he had news to tell me but would save it for another day.

I delightedly welcomed him inside, I had worried that it would be a while before I saw him again and was intrigued to know what he had to tell me.

Mum and I were still reeling from shock at how accurate he had been about my grandmother.

As soon as he came in, he said that he had spoken to my neighbour. He said he was sorry to disturb me but my neigbour had insisted he come round immediatly and see me.

"You're going to have a baby, there's a baby on the way...are you pregnant now?"

I told him that that was what I hoped he was going to tell me, that I wasn't pregnant but that I was just about to start on my second round of IVF.

He had asked my neighbour if I was pregnant, and that if I wasn't a baby was on the way very soon. My neighbour, a lovely lady called Beth,knows about my IVF and she insisted he come round and tell me immediatly. Beth hadn't said anything about IVF or about me trying for a baby.

He said that I wasn't to worry, that I would give birth to a large bubbly buddah, "she'll be a large baby". He said that he thought I may well have a caesarean and that I would give birth in the latter half of 2011, which wouldn't fit for this round of IVF. He said," Have you got 3 goes?"
I explained that I had always said that I would give it 3 goes, he said that it would probably happen on my third attempt....Hmmm...what to do? Do I wait...do I go ahead? The spirits are known for getting times wrong!! The baby would be born in 2011 if I got pregnant this time, but in March not later on in the year.

He then went on to talk about how my Dad was with me. He correctly told me how he died,(heart attack) and that he was young (54). He then told me that there had been a man in my life who he didn't like, and asked me if he had gone. I said that he had, he correctly said his name and said that he could hear music around him, (he is a musician)

He mentioned some other names of family members and then spoke about my Mum and how sensitive she was. He asked if she was seeing someone new, I said no, but it seems there may be someone coming up for her too. I hope so, I'd love for her to have a loving partner again.

With that he got up to go saying that next time he was around he would pop in for a chat and tell me anything else he might 'recieve'.
He told me not to worry, I would give birth to a baby girl. (I always imagined my first born would be a girl)

I feel so relieved, so excited and now raring to go. I feel I have been given a sign/ confirmation from the gods/spirits that I doing the right thing and that my dreams really will come true...

I am back in PMA mode :)

Monday, 29 March 2010

Fertility Foods & Fertility No No's...

I've been reading a few books on fertility and diet and have compiled a list that I thought I would share, I am struggling with some of the fertility no no's, shocked to see that both rhubarb and peas are no good for us TTC ladies!

If there is anything i have missed out please feel free to comment & share the knowledge, I will update the list!

I just have to add that the Australian Bush Flower Essence 'She Oak' is amazing for treating all cases of infertility. I have seen 2 women have healthy pregnancies, births & children after taking this remedy. Both had struggled for years ttc.


Algae (Blue green)
Aloe Vera
Bee Pollen.
Berries (Blue, black, cranberry &strawberry)
Brussel Sprouts
Coconut & Coconut Milk
Flax seeds
Grapes (red)
Hemp seed Protein
Lemons & Limes
Pumpkin Seeds
Q 10
Royal Jelly
Sea Veg
Sesame seeds
Sunflower seeds
Sweet potato


Aspartame (found in diet drinks)
Animal fats
Biscuits, sweets & cakes
Reduce or eliminate dairy
Drugs, both medicinal & recreational
Fried foods
GM Foods
Junk Food
St John's wort
non organic meat
Red clover
Tonic water
Wheat & gluten

Environmental HAZARDS

Eat Organic food
Filter water
Careful about cleaning products
Avoid plastic use glass
Avoid clingfilm
Avoid non stick pans
Use eco paints
Careful in the garden, of herbicides & pesticides.
Electromagnetism, limit time on computer, dont sit with laptop on lap.
Don't carry mobile phones in pockets.
Remove electrical appliances from bedroom.
Remove glow in the dark alarm clock from bedrooms.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

A good omen, a psychic and some family history.

Yesterday my neighbour gave me some bags of compost for my allotment and asked if I would return the bags so that she could fill them up again for me..

Today, I went to return the bags. She was just on her way back into her house and she had 2 friends with her. She asked if I minded if they had a look in my house & check out the spiral staircase. As they came over one of them claimed to be a fan of my cat Yoda (a black Persian)despite being dog lovers!

They came in the house and we chatted for a couple of minutes and then they left to go back to my neighbours....

My Mum came round and as we were on our way out to get some lunch we ran into my neighbours friends again...

"Have you a Rose in the family" one of them asked me..

Mum & I were quite taken aback and said that we had.

"It's just when I came into your house, I felt the name very strongly, she is with you now" He looked at my Mum and asked if it was her Mum.

My neigbour said.."OOOH, he's very psychic!!"

Now...My Mum was adopted and didn't find out (although she had her suspicions) until long after her adoptive parents (who had always denied it) had died.

One night, about 15 years ago my Mum & I were chatting about the fact she had been adopted and I asked her if she had ever thought about tracing her real mother. She said that she had thought about it but never done anything about it. I asked her what she knew about her. She told me that when she had originally found out she was adopted she had gone to St Catherine's house to get a copy of her birth certificate, the officials then told her that all records to do with her adoption had been destroyed in the war.

My Mum said the only details she had was her original birth certificate and that an old aunt had told her that she had be born in somewhere called the Mission Of Hope in Croydon. We looked again at the birth certificate and saw that her mother's name was Rosetta Camomile but the father was unknown. Intrigued I asked my Mum to think again about tracing her because I was really interested. She said that she would.

The next morning, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wondered whether 'The Mission of Hope', then an unmarried mothers home, could now be an old people's home or residential care home.

I looked at the birth certificate and saw that The Mission of Hope was in Croydon,I took note of the street name, I took out the Yellow Pages and looked for OAP Homes in croydon, looking out for that street in particular. There were lots of residential homes so I just picked one randomly...and made a call.

A woman answered the phone...

"Hi, I was wondering if you might know where the Mission of Hope is in Croydon?" (This was the days before the Internet & google!!!)

The woman at the end of the phone said to me.."You're not gonna believe this about about 20 years ago, I used to work opposite there, however it's not called the Mission of Hope anymore, it's now called Birdhurst Lodge".

I then rang directory enquiries and found the number. I rang them asking if they had records dating from 1942 (the date my mother was born)..."Yes" they said, "Get your Mum to ring us and we can forward all the details to her".

Wow...what a coincidence. Of all the women to answer my call, I should get someone who knew where it was!! Hurrah :)

The Mission of Hope, Birdhurst Lodge, Croydon.

We received a few more details about Rosetta, there was 2 letters she had written saying how thrilled she was that her daughter had been adopted by such a nice family, that she was surprised that it had happened so quickly and that she would be delighted to receive photos. There was also a couple of forms that she had filled in on entering the home with her age, address and am agreement to do light housework while she was there.

On the form the baby (my mum) was referred to as 'it'. Does your Mother know about 'it'... Yes.... Does your father know....No...Will the father of the child be involved?....No

There wasn't much else.

Armed with the little information we had we set out to find out more about her.
We knew how old she was from the forms but had no DOB. There was something inside my head that kept telling me she was a Gemini (I am a Gemini)I couldn't explain why I thought that.

My Mum set off to find more details and went to check the records so that we could find her DOB, see if she had married and check to see if she had any other children.

When we finally found her DOB we were shocked to see that Rosetta and I shared the same birthday. I immediately understood why I felt such a connection to a woman I had never met.

Unfortunately she had died some years ago so meeting her wasn't an option. The records we found revealed that she had married about a year after my Mum was born but that she hadn't had any more children.

The only connection we had left to explore was when we found a copy of her will we saw that her money had gone to her husband and when he died he had left the estate to his brother who was married to a lady called Jennifer.

Jennifer was old and unwell, and it was clear that she hadn't known my Grandmother very well. "Rose and Sydney kept themselves to themselves" Despite hearing that she had be known as Rose, we have always referred to her as Rosetta.

I found out a few more details about her family but pretty much came to a dead end as far as Rosetta was concerned.

She has never been too far from my mind though, and I thought about her alot as I was thinking about having a child with a anonymous sperm donor. I worried that this was History repeating itself, but that I was going into a situation my grandmother had no choice about, but going into it consciously.

At first My Mum struggled with the idea if me having a sperm donor baby, I think it felt a little close to home. This was until I explained that the situation would be very different. I will never lie to my child, I will bring them up to know the truth, and will actively assist them to find out more about their father if this is what they want to do. I won't be taking secrets to the grave like the previous generations of my family.

Which brings me back to what happened today...Yes, we do have a Rose in the family, and I am delighted to know that she is close to me and has a strong presence in my house, especially with what I am going through now with the IVF.

My neighbours friend then said that he had some other things to tell us but would save it for another day. When I asked him what it was, he said "It's about you".

I asked him if I should be worried, he said "No, exactly the opposite, something very good,nothing to worry about at all, you have very good karma in your house".

Arggghhh...what was it he had to tell me?

I'll take it as a good omen, my grandmother is close and good things are coming my way...

Friday, 26 March 2010

Here we go again...

I arrived home yesterday to a large white envelope from the clinic, inside were some ovulation stix, consent forms, prescription for the cyclo-progynova and my drug protocol for the next round of IVF..

I couldn't wait to get it open, finally the feelings of terror seemed to subside and I could feel waves of excitement....I actually felt a bit giddy....until I saw the bill!!! Just over £4000...yelp...

Never the less....


There was nothing too surprising in the envelope, apart from realising that there are some drugs on my protocol that I don't recognise and didn't take before during the last cycle. I was under the impression my drug protocol was to remain the same as last cycle, but I must admit to feeling happier knowing that it seems to of been 'tweaked' a bit. This time Oestradiol Valerate has been added to my protocol..I've googled it...and am feeling more confident & positive by the minute :)

Female reproduction
In the female, estradiol acts as a growth hormone for tissue of the reproductive organs, supporting the lining of the vagina, the cervical glands, the endometrium, and the lining of the fallopian tubes. It enhances growth of the myometrium. Estradiol appears necessary to maintain oocytes in the ovary. During the menstrual cycle, estradiol that is produced by the growing follicle triggers, via a positive feedback system, the hypothalamic-pituitary events that lead to the luteinizing hormone surge, inducing ovulation. In the luteal phase estradiol, in conjunction with progesterone, prepares the endometrium for implantation. During pregnancy, estradiol increases due to placental production. In baboons, blocking of estrogen production leads to pregnancy loss, suggesting that estradiol has a role in the maintenance of pregnancy. Research is investigating the role of estrogens in the process of initiation of labor.

I can hardly wait to get started....One month (ish) to go and i'll be starting the HRT a week after ovulation...

I've just calculated the dates and it looks like egg collection will be in early june, OTD will be around my 41st birthday...what an amazing birthday present a positive result would be!

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Mixed Feelings....

Well, it's been a week of mixed feelings, at some points I've felt so miserable and negative I couldn't bring myself to blog...I seemed to of lost my PMA and all I can think about is
'what if this round doesn't work'
....I don't know how I could cope with another BFN & all the disppointment that goes with it. Money being what it is, this is probably my last chance. I am scared.

About 10 days ago I had a few tell tale signs that I was about to ovulate. I was quite pleased about this as I felt my hormones must be back to normal after all the IVF drugs...I had been worried that they might of mucked my system about and that my period might not appear as it should and that that would delay starting the next round of the IVF..

What I was less pleased about was the pre menstrual tension (well, pre-menstrual fury would be a more accurate description) that kicked in about a week ago. I have been silently growling at everything & everyone. Work has been difficult and I have been finding people most disagreeable!!

When I last saw my consultant he said that he wanted me to have 2 normal periods before we started the IVF again. This seemed an AGE away. Yesterday when my period arrived it seemed a whole lot closer...

So I am relieved that my period is here and proof that everything is working as it should, but I am hating the cramps and the heavy blood flow and am not enjoying the feeling of terror and fear about what's up ahead...

One half of me wants to get on with it, the other wants to wait and put of the potential disappointment...
Why am I so focused on potential disppointment? Why can't I get my head around the idea that it could be potential JOY....I could finally get what I want...

It just seems so far out of reach....

i am feeling like a split Gemini, the good twin with her PMA has gone awfully quiet,while the bad twin who is full of fear & doubt is loud and taking over....

Will the good twin please come back?

Friday, 12 March 2010

The Pilot or the teacher...

So first things first as i prepare myself for Round 2....The Sperm Donor..

Luckily there hasn't been too much of a wait, my first offer was a man who had dark brown hair, fair complexion, 5ft 9, medium build, O+, CMV-, interests include computer games, reading, walking, swimming and he is a student.

I must admit to being a little unispired! The sperm donor I used before in IVF Round One sounded so good I wanted to date him! (Maybe that was my mistake, picking the right men to go on dates with and have affairs with has never been my strong point!)

I was just about to say how unispired I was to one of my friends when she claimed "that sounds like Andy"..(her husband)...phew...close call, a narrow escape of foot firmly in mouth syndrome! Careful now!!

However main gripe with the latest donor was that he was new on the books..ie, an unproven donor...

Strange how your opinions change throughout the IVF journey....To begin with I was a little freaked to find out that the snowboarder (Donor NO 1) had proven fertility, ie..he already has kids out there...I kinda wished he hadn't. Now however, I cant take a risk on someone who hasn't worked his magic already...so I turned down offer NO 1.

My next offer was the teacher, dark hair and eyes, fair complexion, A+, CMV- and interests include Running, reading, football, travel, fitness, writing and research or the Pilot, 6ft 1, medium build, fair complexion, A+, CMV- whose interests include cookery, car and motor bike mechanics, going to the gym, and running....

My immediate response was that i liked the sound of the Pilot. A slightly more glamourous job than teaching and had the extra height. Plus he sounded pretty handy with his hands if he could fix cars & bikes.. I even found myself thinking that if I had a little boy i could imagine him with his toy airplane, I thought that it sounded like a good 'story' to tell a child when they ask about their father....until I thought about said little boy romanticizing the idea of being a pilot and telling me that he was off to join the RAF and go fight in some dreadful war...hmmm

Biggest thing though was something I had heard on the radio in the past week, a reminder of a subject that I had studied while doing my degree at university... ELF's ,VLF's, XRays and radiation and the effects they have on the human body...

What I heard on the radio was one of the latest studies of cabin staff and the affects of frequent flying. It seems they are in no doubt that it affects a womans hormones and menstrual cycle...so what about men?

So I googled it....and I didn't like what I read. Frequent flying can affect sperm ,it may reduce sperm counts, cause abnormal sperm shape, or adversely affect semen quality. ...It can also affect fertilisation.(which is where it all went wrong before)

Now I know sperm donors have to go through rigourous tests before their sperm is accepted, and I know that The Pilot must of had a good enough count for him to be accepted at the clinic, but could I risk it?

If I got zero fertilisation again, I would never forgive myself, i'd feel like my instincts were warning me and I had ignored them. (NEVER ignore your instincts...it's one of my 'rules'.) Besides, it didn't seem like a coincidence that I had heard that interview on the radio.

I rang the clinic to ask if they had heard anything about frequent flying affecting sperm and wondered to them If I was being a bit OTT, the woman at the end of the phone had to hold back the laughs...grrr...bitch! She made me feel a bit foolish.

I ummed and aahed...I aahed and ummed...
I got the dowsing crystal out, I did the best out of 3...I even tried a shamanic journey, deperately looking for a 'sign'...

Such a massive decision but with so few details to go on...

I then messaged a fertility doctor who was also a pilot on Twitter and asked him what he thought...his response....

" Tough question - Study would require LOTS of patients. Stress, heat, G-forces, radiation, all potential risks."

So, I've decided not to take the risk...

The teacher it is then....plus...he sounds more intelligent ;)

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Appt with the consultant...

So Monday was finally here...

Maybe I was gonna get some answers....why on earth did this happen to me?

The drive to the clinic was depressing, I kept thinking of what should be happening..
I should be on my way to do the embryo transfer not discuss where it had all gone horribly wrong...

My main concern...did i have dodgy eggs? Being a typical Gemini, I had two voices in my mind...I had one twin (the good twin) saying...Your fsh levels were good, your ovaries looked good, you responded well to treatment, it was suggested that you have a good ovarian reserve, this is just a blip...maybe it was the sperm...

But it was the bad twin that wouldn't shut up....your eggs are fucked, old, party animal eggs...as good as useless..there was nothing wrong with the sperm, he's got proven fertility....it's you.....time to think about donor eggs, adopting or fostering...

I'd checked out on the net for reasons for zero fertilisation, it could of been dodgy eggs, dodgy sperm, incompatibity or being just plain unlucky....was I about to find out which one it was??

Please don't tell me it's my eggs that are the problem....Please...

I sat nervously waiting to see the consultant. I watched as couples came in together. I was caught between feeling jealous that they had someone to share 'this' with and wondering what was wrong with them...was it him? Or her? Or unexplained? What struck me most was how young they all were.

There was a guy there sat eating crisps...loudly, all i could hear in the room was crunching, well I suppose it distracted me from my thoughts...

I was called in to see DR S... "How are you? We are very disappointed with the result"..

You're disappointed....er..tell me about it...I'M disappointed...

As for answers...well, I didn't really get any...

Hmmm, well apart from that it was unlikely to be the sperm as they had never had a problem with him before..

My eggs looked OK, but they could of been a little tough (a problem with older ladies eggs), meaning that the sperm couldn't get through to fertilise. There was a sperm binding issue...Millions of the little buggers and not one of them could get through...

It could also of been a compatability issue...maybe my eggs just didn't fancy the snowboarder sperm and sent out their little antibodies to schuuh the little blighters away...

Who bloody well knows?

So what's next?

The consultant has suggested ICSI and a different sperm donor..

This would resolve the tough egg issue & compatability issue...

We really won't know any more unless I suffer zero fert again, and then I think we can safely assume that I have old, dodgy, doddery, good for nothing eggs....

But for now...I'm thinking it was a BIG FAT BLIP....(you gotta think like that, or why bother doing it again...)

I have posted a question about zero fert on a Bulletien Board run by the clinic...It's a pretty good site for anyone who's interested as most subjects to do with infertility have been discussed by women going through similiar issues..


I wondered how many other women had suffered zero fertilisation and if any had gone on to achieve fertilisation or pregnancies....I was very encouraged by the responces.

It seems it's not just me, and it can be one of those things that 'just happen'...


So, I was told to expect a bleed and that it might be heavier and more painful than most....It was...

Now I am waiting for a 'natural period', then I must wait for another natural period and then I will be ready to go through the whole thing again...

Second time lucky eh...

It's not good news I'm afraid....

My heart sank...

"why, what's happened"?

"I'm sorry to have to tell you that none of your eggs have fertilised".

The tears started rolling as the embryologist explained to me that 4 out of my 5 eggs were mature but that surprisingly none of them had fertilised with the sperm. She claimed it wasn't an expected result as the eggs and the sperm had both looked good. "It doesn't happen very often, but occasionally it does".

I asked what happened now, "I'm afraid that's the end of the road as far as this cycle is concerned."

I could hardly believe it, I wasn't expecting it to fail at this point. Maybe after the transfer, when the embryos hadn't stuck...but not at this stage. I was in complete and utter shock. All over...End of the road....£4000 for nothing...my hopes and dreams of being a Mum over...Nooooooooo

She asked me if I'd like to make an appointment to see the consultant to discuss what might of happened and we made an arangement for the Monday (when I had been expecting to have the embryo transfer). I was distraught.

And now I had to tell people. Devastated I rang my Mum first, as I told her I could hear her crying too as she told me how desperately sorry she was.

Unable to cope with other people's reactions, I sent the few people I had told about the IVF a message explaining it hadn't worked, I rang my closest friend (who has also had IVF...it worked first time for her...she has adorable twins) and I cried down the phone to her.

For the rest of the day I sat numb on the sofa, in the same position all day, silently weeping and occasionally breaking out into sobs...

I was just so disappointed...

I felt a complete failure...

The sperm donor had proven fertility...so it must of been my eggs...

And what implications did that hold for the future? If I tried again, would i be able to use my own eggs or would i have to consider donor eggs & donor sperm. This would mean that my child would have no genetic link to me...should I adopt?

I had always said that if I couldn't have my own child that I would adopt or foster...Now, I felt I wasn't ready to give up the idea of giving birth to my own baby.

I never thought I would, but I started to consider using donor eggs....the goal posts having changed once again.

My Mum rang to see how I was..."You have to try again"
I explained I didn't think I could afford it and she generously said she would lend me the money. Having already lent me money for the first cycle, I felt dreadful, not knowing how I would ever pay her back. She told me that money wasn't important and that I was spending my inheritance.

I expressed my fears over my old eggs and wondered to her if there was any point in trying again, she told me not to give up and to wait and see what the consultant said on Monday...

It was going to be a long 2 days wait...

Monday, 8 March 2010

Egg Collection Day...

I took my first Temazepam last night, and had a surprisingly good nights sleep (thanks to the temazepam!)and I'd woken up nervous but mostly excited.

Although my friend said her egg collection was excruciatingly painful, I had read that some women don't feel it at all. I was gonna be one of THOSE women!

Arrived at the clinic armed with my Mum, some furry socks, 2 more temazepam and a diclofenac suppository...mmm, nice!I was not looking forward to sticking that up my bum.

The nurse came in with a few more things for me to sign and explained the procedure that was about to take place. I necked my temazepam and then went to the loo to put the diclofenac in position. Went back to the little warm waiting room and put on the white towelling robe & plastic clogs that had been provided...i felt very glamourous....NOT

Half an hour or so went by and I could feel the temazepam kicking in, it reminded me of being stoned and i was quite enjoying it until I had to stand up and go to the loo. That reminded me of my party animals days, staggering around completely off my head at 5 o'clock in the morning. Mum & I had a bit of a giggle as I nearly fell over on the way to the loo.

The nurse came in and guided me through to procedure room. I sat myself in the chair and put my legs up in the stirrups....Oh the glamour of it all!

The Dr then started work, the lovely nurse giving me a running commentary of what he was doing. I couldn't see anything apart from the nurse but my Mum watched as they filled 30 or so test tubes with liquid/blood from my ovaries...I didn't feel a thing :)

I could hear the embryologist in the next room, "one egg"....."just cells"...."egg number 2"....

The final count was 5 eggs which I was disappointed with, I had hoped for more,but the nurse said that that was plenty..

I went back to the little warm room and waited for the consultant to come in.. He said that the procedure had gone well and that he was pleased with the result. All we had to do now was wait for the sperm to defrost and then it would be mixed with my eggs. The consultant said that they expected 40-60% of the eggs to fertilise.

I was to go home, rest and wait for a phone call the following day to tell me how many of the eggs had fertilised. The transfer was planned for 3 days later...

I went home and excitedly tried to imagine the cells dividing and growing...

I was not prepared for what happened the following morning....

Round One....

So, I've got my head around the IVF, well, as much as it is possible to do so. If I want my own child this is how I've got to go about it, needs must.

I've had my tests and can gladly say that I haven't got AIDS, Hep B or C, Chlamydia, I am CMV+ and my blood group is O+.

I've had my first meeting with the ultasound wand and my ovaries look good, there are no cysts, fibroids and my womb looks clear.

I was even delighted to hear (after all the negativity about my age & chances of sucess) that I had 'the ovaries of a younger woman'.....Yipee

I'd chosen my sperm donor....a 6ft snowboarder, dark hair & eyes, whose interests were maths,physics, movies,listening to music, concerts and spending time with friends or a 5ft 9 policeman, dark hair, bluey/brown eyes, into cars, cooking, football & wine....an easy decision...the snowboarder it is then...He seemed more of an all rounder.

Things were looking good. So far, everything was going according to plan. Surely the universe would of stepped in and created a problem if this was not 'meant to be'.

First things first was to find out when I was ovulating. This involved peeing in a pot once a day and waiting for the two little blue lines to appear on the little white test sticks.

Hurrah....I've ovulated.... Now I had to wait 7 days before i could start taking my HRT tables. (HRT??? At my age?....Apparently so!)

I was on the short protocol, the one designed for older women who were not expected to create as many eggs. By all accounts this is the easier of all the protocols, although not actually any shorter in time, the actual time spent injecting drugs was less.

I was on the HRT for about 20 days....

I was expecting to turn into a hormonal banshee, maybe flying into rages or floods of tears...but nothing...I didn't really feel any different.

After a few days of stopping the HRT, I was due at the clinic at 8am. (ouch, now that did hurt)
I am not an easy early riser and the drive to the clinic was a good hour and half so this meant getting up at 6...that was the worst bit.

You'd get to the clinic, be there all of 5 minutes, have some blood taken and then have to drive back.

On my second visit they told me I was ready to start my injections.

One shot of Suprecur in one leg and then the Menopur shot in the other leg.

The Suprecur was easy, although stung a little..

Mixing the Menopur made me feel like an alchemist as I mixed 3 amps of the FSH to one water solvent trying hard not to create too many bubbles and have what my friend described as 'bubble trouble'....

As unlikely as it sounds, I quite enjoyed my injections!! It seemed symbolic and was a sign that I was really doing IVF.

A few more trips back to the clinic and one more close encounter with the ultrasound wand and I was told I was ready to go...

The nurse told me that I had a 'mixed bag' when it came to my follicles. I had 3 large ones and 3 or 4 that they were hoping would ripen up by the time I had my egg collection...

All in all, I had only been on the injections for a week, and despite putting on a little weight and feeling a little bloated, I have to say I experienced no side effects...all was good...

I was excited...this was it...In a week or so I could be pregnant....

You're too old for IUI....

I'd heard IVF described as an emotional rollercoaster, but I hadn't thought the rollercoaster journey would start quite so soon...

What do you mean my chances of IUI working are slim?
Bloody hell, Id only just got my head around doing this on my own, let alone getting my head around IVF...

Not only was IVF gonna cost alot more money...it seemed alot less natural than IUI and I worried about all the fertilty drugs. I am a Homeopath by trade and I was taught to try and disuade people away from IVF. This was going to challenge all my previously conceived ideas & beliefs...

Where was I gonna find the money from? Why, oh why did I leave it this long? Idiot.

I was angry at myself, my body and all the men that I had wasted time on.

I felt like a failure.

I had seen a friend of mine go through IVF, her partner had problems with his little fellas, they were abnormally shaped and swimming the wrong way....At the time I'm afraid to say that I judged them a little. I wasn't sure I believed in IVF, weren't we meddling in Nature's work?

It just shows you should never judge unless you are walking in someone else's shoes, I never thought I would even consider IVF....But here I am, considering IVF.....The goal posts have changed and my beliefs are going to have to change with them.

If I wanted a child I was gonna have to get my head round IVF....

I'll start at the begining....

When I was younger, I imagined that by the time I was 40 I would have a partner and several kids. Hmmm...

Well, I find myself 40, single & childless....

In my teens, 20's & 30's I responsibly did everything in my power NOT to get pregnant......I'm now thinking that was a little foolish and that I wasted my most fertile time fucking around with unsuitable men...

I didn't think they were unsuitable at the time and I had alot of fun, but the ones I wanted to settle down and have kids with had no interest in doing that with me. Guys I had absolutely no interest in wanted to settle down and have kids with me. C'est la vie.

Basically...I just never met the right man.

At this stage in the proceedings, my options seem pretty slim. I haven't got the time to meet someone new and hope they are the 'man of my dreams' and 'perfect father material', my fertility is declining at an alarming rate (or so the 'experts' tell me). You have got to get to know someone before you even consider bringing a child into the world with them. I have been out with men for up to 2 years before I realised what 'cocks' they were. I haven't got another 2 years...

I could go out and have one night stands just after ovulating in the hope of getting pregnant, but the thought of tricking some unsuspecting man in fatherhood just doesn't sit well and isn't a story I would like to pass on to my child when they ask who their father is.

I have considered asking a male friend, in fact there were two I considered asking, then just before I asked one of them he revealed that he had met someone new. They now seem very much in love and are preparing to buy a house together, I doubt his relationship would of gone quite so smoothly if he'd announced to his new beau that I was carrying his child or that he couldn't have sex with her tonight because he was off round to mine to knock one out and give me the goods. It didn't seem fair to ask any of my friends and maybe jeopardise their chances of a 'normal, happy relationship'.

Which left me with the sperm bank.....

My father had a huge positive impact on my life. I struggled with the idea of bringing a child into the world without one. It certainly wasn't ideal, but if I wanted a child it seemed my only option.

It was not a decision I came to lightly. In fact I had researched having a baby without a father (mannotincluded.com)about 5 years before hand, but had dismissed it because I was still holding out for the dream, a man who I loved, who loved me, and having a child born out of the love and passion that we shared together.

I wish I had done something about it then, my eggs would of been fresher and my chances of getting pregnant would of been so much higher...

I have no more time to waste waiting for the dream...

Which pretty much brings me to where I am now. Single, 40 & childless and just about to embark on The Baby Making Files.....