28 week growth scan.

So excited to see my little girl again. As always, feeling a little nervous (in case anything is wrong) but those nerves lessen every time I have a scan. More so this time as I had seem the midwife the day before.

The midwife had measured my belly & Lola's heartbeat & assured me that everything was fine. My belly/ uterus was the right size & Lola's heartbeat indicated she was quite happy.

Such a relief to hear as she had been a bit quiet in recent days.

The scan coincided with my glucose test to see if I had developed gestational diabetes.

The test involved fasting from 10 the night before, no breakfast, arriving at hospital for a blood test, drink a pint of lucozade and then wait for 2 hours before having another blood test.

I was dreading it! Fasting & I are not friends. I like little & often.

However, best thing about the test was the Lola seemed to enjoy the lucozade & had a mad kicking session.

They are still quite gentle so I was able to sit back & enjoy that special feeling of being kicked from inside from that new being you have growing inside you. It made fasting worth it.

Test over, I almost ran to the cafe & ordered a double decaf latte & a sandwich. I think the barista didn't hear the word decaf so I ended up with a double shot latte.

The result being Lola being incredibly active all afternoon down to a sugar & caffeine high!!

Next up was the 28 week growth scan. First thing I saw was a perfect little foot. So adorable my heart melted.

Luckily she was looking straight at us so I got to see her chubby cheeks :)
I'm so in love.
It was fabulous to see her kicks on the screen & feel them at the same time.

Everything's good, it appears Lola is growing as she should & is in the 'average' range.

I did note that she has a slightly above average size tummy & has long legs.

Just like her Mum :)

Is it a boy or a girl ??????

Finally the big day arrived..My 20 week & 6 day scan...

I have counted down the days like a small child at Christmas...

And here 'she' is....Introducing my daughter Lola Rosetta.



I couldn't be happier :))

Bad Blogger!

As I get excited at the up & coming 20 week scan, i realise that I haven't blogged since my nuchal fold scan! Bad Blogger.

Which means I need to update before I have my next scan!

After the nuchal fold scan my next scan was due to be around 12 weeks with the NHS.
However, because they are busy & over stretched it turned into a 14 week scan.

This was my first scan with the NHS and is known as the dating scan.

At my first appointment with the midwife she'd asked me if already had a dating scan, i replied that I had at the fertility clinic, so she pretty much said I wasn't entitled to a dating scan with the NHS. Plus, if I was considering a Nuchal fold, I definitely didn't need a 12 week scan with the NHS.

Desperate to see the bambino again, I pretty much kicked off saying that I should be entitled to the same scans as everyone else & that I shouldn't be penalised for having to have to go private. She agreed but said I should keep quite about my previous dating scan & that if I went for the nuchal fold I should cancel the NHS scan.

Yeah right. As if! Miss an oppurtunity to see the babe. No way Jose :)

So the date came round and my mum & I trundled off to the antenatal clinic at the hospital. Who should I see but the sonographer who did my nuchal fold scan!! Damn, would she recognise me? Would she blow my cover?? I thought if I was challenged I would deny all knowledge that I should of canceled this scan!

Anyway all the panic was over nothing as I was led into a different room with a different sonographer.

And this is what we saw...My precious kicking & punching cargo!



Hang on a minute...I think I recognise that nose!!!!

Emotional Meltdown - Reality Bites...

I've woken up this morning and the tears & fears that I have been holding in for a while now have broken through.

I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this, I'm sure they'd tell me this was my choice, my decision to go through this process alone. And they would be right, nobody ever said this was going to be easy.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that would be mad if they read this post. How dare I be miserable? I have something they have always wanted. A baby growing inside of me. Having spent the last year cruising with the TTC community on Twitter & bulletin boards, everyone knows you're not supposed to complain when you get pregnant. You have the greatest gift of all. But they may have something I haven't got. A partner, someone to share the highs & the lows with.

Today the realisation came crashing down. I am alone.

Most of the time, that's ok, although I would rather be with a partner, I am a fairly self sufficent idependant girl. I have to be. Today I not only feel alone, I feel lonely.

I long for someone to share this experience with. I feel I still carry the grief of the failed IVF, the process of IVF and the fact I have had to go through this alone. Having a child is something two people should do together.
Today I need someone to hug me & tell me everything is going to be ok.

From someone who used to be a bit of a social butterfly, where are my friends? Have I still got any friends, or have I removed myself from their social scene by deciding to give up on the booze, drugs, clubs & pubs & deciding to have a child? Were they even my friends at all?

I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done, from simple tasks like cleaning to organising builders to come & carry out works on my house. There seems so much to do and yet so little energy to do it with.

I'm not sure if this is the 'nesting' energy but I have a feeling, a sense that I am running out of time. I fast forward to not many months ahead when I am enormous & cant do much at all, how am I gonna put my own shoes on, bend down to feed the cats, clean the house, work?

Dont get me wrong, I am delighted to be pregnant, i'm over the moon, but there is a nagging voice in my head, how am i gonna cope on my own?

12 week scan / Nuchal Fold Test

Once again I was experiencing the excitement/terror vibe.

Excited at seeing the bambino again but terrified of the results of the nuchal fold scan.

As an older Mum, my risk of having a Downs Syndrome baby is obviously higher than some fresh 30 year old. It's amazing how many people like to point that out, just incase I had forgotten any previous scaremongering. As if.

So once I had found out that my 12 week scan with the NHS was infact going to be more like a 15 week scan I decided to book myself in for a nuchal fold scan, which of course York PCT doesn't pay for... many other PCT's do include this service for older Mum's...but York...don't be silly!!

My Midwife had told me that I should go to the clinic in Stamford Bridge, then if I got the 'wrong' result they could 'get me in quick' as one of their Consultants carried out the scans.

I told her that whatever the result I had no intention of aborting my baby,having gone through IVF if this baby was Down's then that was something I would have to accept. I just saw the test as a 'heads up' and thought it would give me a chance to get my head round a Down's baby if that's what was going to happen.

But I was scared, no one wants a Down's baby by choice and I started to get nervous about the test.

Scan day arrived, my appointment wasn't until 6.40pm so I paced around all day! Mum arrived about 4.30 with cake to keep me distrated. As we got in the car it became apparent that the traffic was DREADFUL. Damn it, after all that waiting we were going to be late!!!!

Finally got there about 10 minutes late, luckily they were behind time so it didn't matter. I even had to wait for another 20 minutes with a full bladder & nerves, NOT FUN!!!

At last it was my turn...






My little bean had grown arms & legs, it was waving & kicking and looked more like a baby than a bean...

The sonographer said that everything looked good and that the nuchal translucency was about 1mm which meant that Downs was unlikely....HOOOORAH, sooooo happy.

I had some bloods taken now I just had to wait for these combined results that would arrive in a couple of days.

Until then i just stared at the pictures of my bambino.


Results:

Previous risk, age etc: 1 in 93
Adjusted Risk: 1 in 1857

Skull/brain appears normal,heart appears normal,spine appears normal, abdomen appears normal, stomach visible, bladder visible, hands both visible, feet both visible.

Summary of ultrasound findings: Normal intrauterine pregnancy.

I couldn't be happier :)

Next stop 15 week scan with the NHS.

9 week Scan Pics...

Despite having seen the heartbeat at my 7 week scan, i was still anxious. I'd had an electric shock which got me in a panic. Was the baby still ok, was it still growing? Everyone told me not to worry but my mind was still in overdrive so I booked myself in for a private scan. I'd rather pay the £100 just so i knew things were on track than worry until my 12 week scan.

Although lovely, the clinic experience was slightly odd. My Mum was busy and my friends who knew about my pregnancy were all otherwise engaged so I went on my own. I was quite happy to do this and hadn't really thought anything about it until...

"No partner /husband with you today?"

"Er, no!!"

"You do realise you could of brought someone"

"Yes, everyone was busy!"

"Oh!"

After an awkward 10 minutes I finally got to go in for my scan.

I went in and asked her if I needed to take my trousers off, having being used to wandy, i was slightly shocked & greatly relieved when she told me just unbutton my jeans...

I had graduated to a tummy scan...wooo hoo :)

This is what I saw..



The little bean had grown into a bigger bean and the heart was still beating. I could of cried I was so happy & relieved. The measurements revealed that we were on track....

I felt lighter as I walked out of the clinic.

Yay....I was still pregnant.

"I'm so relieved" I told my Mum...
"Yes" she said. "I wonder for how long!"

The joy lasted about 3 days before the panic & anxiety began to creep back in...

My guest post for Your Great Life.

I was invited to do a guest post for the Blog 'Your Great Life'

'I expected to be judged, frowned upon for choosing single motherhood'

http://bit.ly/9eznMr
(sorry, blogger won't allow me to do a proper link!!)