36 weeks scan

32 Weeks Scan.

I'm not sure whether it's because I'm an older mum to be or whether it's because of the fiasco with my LFT's but I seem to be having more scans than anyone else I know being treated by the NHS, I'm not complaining.

This was one scan I wasn't worried about at all beforehand. I'd seen the midwife fairly recently and knew that Lola was growing & her heartbeat was good.

These days I can feel her moving about so the fear from previous scans wasn't there, just excitement.

I was hoping I'd find out what position she was in & how much she'd grown.

Mum came with me, we waited about half an hour & then went into the scan room. I was delighted to see which sonographer it was, while they have all been lovely, this lady talks more while scanning and points stuff out more than some of the others.

She took some measurements and my heart melted as I watched my little girl wriggle about. We laughed as we saw her sticking her tongue out!!

One of the first comments was that she had plenty of hair! Maybe this explains the heartburn!



All seemed well with Lola so I wiped the gel off my swollen belly & made my way to wait for the consultant.

I'm not a big fan of the consultants, the midwives are lovely but the consultants tend to swan about with an air of importance which I find incredibly annoying. Especially as the ones so far have been unlikeable, don't listen, tend to scaremonger & whittle on about IVF when it's perfectly obvious they don't know what they're talking about, they're just trying to convince you that they do, but the more they try to convince you the more apparent it is that they don't, I imagine most women who have had IVF know more about the risks, statistics & info than they do. It's not like we go into this procedure blind & without doing a serious amount of research.

This time however, I had a really friendly consultant. He explained that Lola was growing well, 'she's going to be a big baby'.
I asked how big she was now and he said she was almost 5lbs already!

Oh. My. Word. 5lbs already!!! No wonder I have been struggling to get about & am exhausted!!!

The consultant said she could be at least a 10 pounder ' if' I made it to my edd, saying that she may come early.

I must admit to being a little shocked but delighted to think that Lola was growing big & strong.

Next scan is 36 weeks. I can't wait :)

28 week growth scan.

So excited to see my little girl again. As always, feeling a little nervous (in case anything is wrong) but those nerves lessen every time I have a scan. More so this time as I had seem the midwife the day before.

The midwife had measured my belly & Lola's heartbeat & assured me that everything was fine. My belly/ uterus was the right size & Lola's heartbeat indicated she was quite happy.

Such a relief to hear as she had been a bit quiet in recent days.

The scan coincided with my glucose test to see if I had developed gestational diabetes.

The test involved fasting from 10 the night before, no breakfast, arriving at hospital for a blood test, drink a pint of lucozade and then wait for 2 hours before having another blood test.

I was dreading it! Fasting & I are not friends. I like little & often.

However, best thing about the test was the Lola seemed to enjoy the lucozade & had a mad kicking session.

They are still quite gentle so I was able to sit back & enjoy that special feeling of being kicked from inside from that new being you have growing inside you. It made fasting worth it.

Test over, I almost ran to the cafe & ordered a double decaf latte & a sandwich. I think the barista didn't hear the word decaf so I ended up with a double shot latte.

The result being Lola being incredibly active all afternoon down to a sugar & caffeine high!!

Next up was the 28 week growth scan. First thing I saw was a perfect little foot. So adorable my heart melted.

Luckily she was looking straight at us so I got to see her chubby cheeks :)
I'm so in love.
It was fabulous to see her kicks on the screen & feel them at the same time.

Everything's good, it appears Lola is growing as she should & is in the 'average' range.

I did note that she has a slightly above average size tummy & has long legs.

Just like her Mum :)

Is it a boy or a girl ??????

Finally the big day arrived..My 20 week & 6 day scan...

I have counted down the days like a small child at Christmas...

And here 'she' is....Introducing my daughter Lola Rosetta.



I couldn't be happier :))

Bad Blogger!

As I get excited at the up & coming 20 week scan, i realise that I haven't blogged since my nuchal fold scan! Bad Blogger.

Which means I need to update before I have my next scan!

After the nuchal fold scan my next scan was due to be around 12 weeks with the NHS.
However, because they are busy & over stretched it turned into a 14 week scan.

This was my first scan with the NHS and is known as the dating scan.

At my first appointment with the midwife she'd asked me if already had a dating scan, i replied that I had at the fertility clinic, so she pretty much said I wasn't entitled to a dating scan with the NHS. Plus, if I was considering a Nuchal fold, I definitely didn't need a 12 week scan with the NHS.

Desperate to see the bambino again, I pretty much kicked off saying that I should be entitled to the same scans as everyone else & that I shouldn't be penalised for having to have to go private. She agreed but said I should keep quite about my previous dating scan & that if I went for the nuchal fold I should cancel the NHS scan.

Yeah right. As if! Miss an oppurtunity to see the babe. No way Jose :)

So the date came round and my mum & I trundled off to the antenatal clinic at the hospital. Who should I see but the sonographer who did my nuchal fold scan!! Damn, would she recognise me? Would she blow my cover?? I thought if I was challenged I would deny all knowledge that I should of canceled this scan!

Anyway all the panic was over nothing as I was led into a different room with a different sonographer.

And this is what we saw...My precious kicking & punching cargo!



Hang on a minute...I think I recognise that nose!!!!

Emotional Meltdown - Reality Bites...

I've woken up this morning and the tears & fears that I have been holding in for a while now have broken through.

I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this, I'm sure they'd tell me this was my choice, my decision to go through this process alone. And they would be right, nobody ever said this was going to be easy.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that would be mad if they read this post. How dare I be miserable? I have something they have always wanted. A baby growing inside of me. Having spent the last year cruising with the TTC community on Twitter & bulletin boards, everyone knows you're not supposed to complain when you get pregnant. You have the greatest gift of all. But they may have something I haven't got. A partner, someone to share the highs & the lows with.

Today the realisation came crashing down. I am alone.

Most of the time, that's ok, although I would rather be with a partner, I am a fairly self sufficent idependant girl. I have to be. Today I not only feel alone, I feel lonely.

I long for someone to share this experience with. I feel I still carry the grief of the failed IVF, the process of IVF and the fact I have had to go through this alone. Having a child is something two people should do together.
Today I need someone to hug me & tell me everything is going to be ok.

From someone who used to be a bit of a social butterfly, where are my friends? Have I still got any friends, or have I removed myself from their social scene by deciding to give up on the booze, drugs, clubs & pubs & deciding to have a child? Were they even my friends at all?

I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done, from simple tasks like cleaning to organising builders to come & carry out works on my house. There seems so much to do and yet so little energy to do it with.

I'm not sure if this is the 'nesting' energy but I have a feeling, a sense that I am running out of time. I fast forward to not many months ahead when I am enormous & cant do much at all, how am I gonna put my own shoes on, bend down to feed the cats, clean the house, work?

Dont get me wrong, I am delighted to be pregnant, i'm over the moon, but there is a nagging voice in my head, how am i gonna cope on my own?

12 week scan / Nuchal Fold Test

Once again I was experiencing the excitement/terror vibe.

Excited at seeing the bambino again but terrified of the results of the nuchal fold scan.

As an older Mum, my risk of having a Downs Syndrome baby is obviously higher than some fresh 30 year old. It's amazing how many people like to point that out, just incase I had forgotten any previous scaremongering. As if.

So once I had found out that my 12 week scan with the NHS was infact going to be more like a 15 week scan I decided to book myself in for a nuchal fold scan, which of course York PCT doesn't pay for... many other PCT's do include this service for older Mum's...but York...don't be silly!!

My Midwife had told me that I should go to the clinic in Stamford Bridge, then if I got the 'wrong' result they could 'get me in quick' as one of their Consultants carried out the scans.

I told her that whatever the result I had no intention of aborting my baby,having gone through IVF if this baby was Down's then that was something I would have to accept. I just saw the test as a 'heads up' and thought it would give me a chance to get my head round a Down's baby if that's what was going to happen.

But I was scared, no one wants a Down's baby by choice and I started to get nervous about the test.

Scan day arrived, my appointment wasn't until 6.40pm so I paced around all day! Mum arrived about 4.30 with cake to keep me distrated. As we got in the car it became apparent that the traffic was DREADFUL. Damn it, after all that waiting we were going to be late!!!!

Finally got there about 10 minutes late, luckily they were behind time so it didn't matter. I even had to wait for another 20 minutes with a full bladder & nerves, NOT FUN!!!

At last it was my turn...






My little bean had grown arms & legs, it was waving & kicking and looked more like a baby than a bean...

The sonographer said that everything looked good and that the nuchal translucency was about 1mm which meant that Downs was unlikely....HOOOORAH, sooooo happy.

I had some bloods taken now I just had to wait for these combined results that would arrive in a couple of days.

Until then i just stared at the pictures of my bambino.


Results:

Previous risk, age etc: 1 in 93
Adjusted Risk: 1 in 1857

Skull/brain appears normal,heart appears normal,spine appears normal, abdomen appears normal, stomach visible, bladder visible, hands both visible, feet both visible.

Summary of ultrasound findings: Normal intrauterine pregnancy.

I couldn't be happier :)

Next stop 15 week scan with the NHS.

9 week Scan Pics...

Despite having seen the heartbeat at my 7 week scan, i was still anxious. I'd had an electric shock which got me in a panic. Was the baby still ok, was it still growing? Everyone told me not to worry but my mind was still in overdrive so I booked myself in for a private scan. I'd rather pay the £100 just so i knew things were on track than worry until my 12 week scan.

Although lovely, the clinic experience was slightly odd. My Mum was busy and my friends who knew about my pregnancy were all otherwise engaged so I went on my own. I was quite happy to do this and hadn't really thought anything about it until...

"No partner /husband with you today?"

"Er, no!!"

"You do realise you could of brought someone"

"Yes, everyone was busy!"

"Oh!"

After an awkward 10 minutes I finally got to go in for my scan.

I went in and asked her if I needed to take my trousers off, having being used to wandy, i was slightly shocked & greatly relieved when she told me just unbutton my jeans...

I had graduated to a tummy scan...wooo hoo :)

This is what I saw..



The little bean had grown into a bigger bean and the heart was still beating. I could of cried I was so happy & relieved. The measurements revealed that we were on track....

I felt lighter as I walked out of the clinic.

Yay....I was still pregnant.

"I'm so relieved" I told my Mum...
"Yes" she said. "I wonder for how long!"

The joy lasted about 3 days before the panic & anxiety began to creep back in...

My guest post for Your Great Life.

I was invited to do a guest post for the Blog 'Your Great Life'

'I expected to be judged, frowned upon for choosing single motherhood'

http://bit.ly/9eznMr
(sorry, blogger won't allow me to do a proper link!!)

Over the moon and jumping for joy :)

Yay...wooo hoooo....we have a heart beat :) (Star jumps around, skips around the room :)

After a very nervous week the day for the 7 week scan finally arrives.

Now google and bulletin boards can be very helpful and supportive while you are trying to concieve. Once you have conceived they can be VERY BAD PLACES.

In my excitement I had googled what to expect at a 7 week ultrasound. My eyes wandered down to a post written by a woman who had had her 7 week scan and NOT seen a heart beat....Oh God, No...something else for me to worry about...

I had read that sometimes you can see a heart beat at 6 weeks, which worried me that we hadn't seen one at the 6 week scan, despite the nurse telling me it was too early.

So what with all the scare stories I had a pretty anxious week.

I arrived at the clinic and the nurse asked me how i'd been. Nervous I replied. Yes, said the nurse, as if i had every reason to be.

I got myself perched on the chair and got my legs into the stirrups and waited for the nurse to prepare wandy...

First thing I saw was the nurse beaming...

There, right before my eyes was what was definitely a heart beat. I could see it before she even pointed it out.

A huge sigh of relief and a few tears later she told me that although I was 7 weeks the following day, the baby measured 7 weeks and 3 days so was a good size. The little bean had doubled in size from last week.


So now I have my 'congratulations,your scan revealed a viable pregancy' letter and have been discharged from the fertility clinic. I am now just like any other pregnant lady!!!




I couldn't be happier :)

Sorry, I've been a bad blogger!!

So...it took a little while for the BFP (big fat positive) to sink in...

I think in the end it took 8 tests for me to really start believing it was true!



I took 2 on the first day of testing (Sunday), another on the following day...just to check and then was due to take the clinic's test (the one the provided) on the Tuesday, my official test date. It wasn't that I didn't believe the first responce tests but I had got it into my head that the clinic's test would be the one I would completely trust beyond a shadow of the doubt.

Imagine my disappointment when the 2nd line was so faint on the clinc's test that I could hardly see it. I rang the clinic and explained that I had already got 3 positives but was concerned about the faint lines on their test. (I had read online of a woman who got a positive and by the time she took a clinic blood test 2 days later she was no longer pregnant, I was paranoid this might of been the case..Was I still pregnant?)

The nurse said if I was worried to test again the following day..

So test I did, several times! My favourite had to be the digital clear blue tests that actually have PREGNANT written on them.....Yep still pregnant but i was still unsettled by the faint pink lines on the clinic's cheap rubbish test!!!

So I tested some more...yep...still pregnant...but still couldn't really believe it.

My 7 week scan was booked for approx 2 weeks time, i couldn't believe I had another 2 week wait!! No way!!! As if the first 2WW wasn't hard enough....another one!!

I then started to get some scary pains on my right hand side of my womb/uterus. I googled it to be scared out of my mind that it could be ectopic, and that that could of explained the faint lines on the test. I rang the clinic and the nurse brought my test foward a week to make sure all was ok.

Meanwhile, guess what? I carried on testing!! I was delighted to see the clear blue tests go from 1-2 weeks pregnant, to 3+ weeks pregnant. I know in the States, ladies have beta tests and are reassured when they see their levels increase. For me the only indication that anything was happening 'in there' was the clear blue tests. At least I knew my levels of HCG were increasing.


A few scary days of waiting and it was finally scan day..I was shitting it...

But I needn't of worried because this is what we saw..






The nurse said there was everything she wanted to see at this stage. A sac and a fetal pole. Can you see that tiny white dot? That's my tiny baby!! We were a little early to see the heart beat but we would hopefully see that next week at my 7 week scan.

Phew...I was so relieved...briefly....until I started worrying about whether there would be a heart beat. I don't know, I just get over one worry and immediatley start worrying about the next milestone...will I ever be able to relax and enjoy this pregancy or will i be a worry guts throughout?

At least now I could stop with the pregnancy tests!!

Wordless Wednesday....

The 2WW

Well, I finally made it, the dreaded 2 week wait!!!!

Little embaby all snug inside me...PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!!!

There were times that I worried that I would never get this far...Now I'm here I have something new to worry about!!

Such a strange feeling to think there is a tiny embryo, the beginings of a new life inside me.

I knew that it was a good 8 cell, grade 1 embaby, but i immediatly started worrying, would it survive? Would it grow?

People told me that I should relax, take it easy, enjoy PUPO, er...right...how exactly do I do that?!!!

I tried the bedrest, that lasted all of an hour, i tried reading...well that lasted approx ten minutes! There was no way I could concentrate on anything.

I settled for watching stuff on the laptop. I took it really easy, but then felt guilty for just carrying my laptop upstairs...was I doing too much?!!! I worried when watering the plants, i worried about sneezing & coughing...despite being told not too.

Luckily I had my birthday to distract me. A few of us went out to lunch at Castle Howard. As a child, every birthday I had was stonkingly hot (being in June), the past 5 years it has pissed it down, in torrential stylee. This year...beautiful. A few people said it was a good omen, i didn't dare believe them.


When having the transfer everyone who looked at my notes commented that it was my birthday in 2 days and what a wonderful present it was to have such a healthy embaby. I felt blessed to be PUPO but the dominant feeling was fear, terror, scared that it wouldn't work.

Thank God for Zita West, for her relaxation CD kept me as calm as was possible under the circumstances, and for the allotment. Every time my mind got a little crazy, i went up there and relaxed in the peace & quiet.


So the first week over, fuck...that dragged. I imagined the 2nd week would be even worse. Wrong....it was speeding by at an alarming rate, zooming towards the pregnancy test. I was tempted to test early and luckily was persuaded not to for fear of a false negative. On one hand I wanted to know, to be put out of my misery, on the other I wasn't ready for the dream to be over. I needed more time, at some points I wished it had been a 3WW!

At 10dpt (days past transfer)I thought it was over. I had the tiniest amount of brown CM, my heart sank to my feet. Was it all over? I reasoned that it couldn't be my period, I was on far too many drugs for that. ( I suppose I should mention my drug regime, 3 pessaries a day, another one at bedtime up my bum and 3 tablets of oestrogen)

I immediatly went to Twitter and tweeted my concerns, pretty quickly i was reassured that it was probably implantation bleeding and a good sign...phew...but I was still worried, with a little hope thrown in...

When imagining the result I forced myself to see myself reading 2 lines, telling my family 'yay it worked', typing BFP on my keyboard....PLEASE let it work....

13dpt I couldn't wait any longer....I took a test

Embryo Transfer!!!!

Yay. Hurrah....Good news :)

The embryologist rang this morning and told me the amazing news that the embaby was now 8 cells and was a Grade One.

The news could not of been better. I was so excited and so relieved.

So later on this afternoon I went back to the clinic for my embryo transfer.

Everything went smoothly so I am now PUPO...I couldn't be happier!!

My beautiful embaby.

An agonising wait.

I didn't sleep well, but I'm surprised I slept at all.

Luckily the clinic didn't keep me waiting for long.

At a few minutes past nine I got the call.

Of the 4 eggs, 2 had been immature, one had fertilised badly but I had ONE GOOD FERTILISED EGG. Hurrah.

I was so relieved, the embryologist said that she was optimistic that the egg would divide & grow but that she would give me a ring on Monday morning to give me a status update & confirm transfer details.

So, one step forward but another agonising wait, willing my little embaby to grow & divide.

Grow embaby, grow.

Egg Collection Day Number 2!

Despite having taken the prescribed Temazapam, I didn't sleep brilliantly.

I kept waking up wondering what the time was. Got to ten to 6 and I got bored with trying to sleep and got up. I cannot remember ever getting up in the 5 oclock hour, going to bed, well maybe.

Managed a banana & yoghurt smoothie and waited for Mum to arrive.

Drive to Sheffield was painless enough, apart from a couple of nutters who cut me up and nearly killed us before I had chance to have my eggs collected.

Arrived at the clinic, put on the glamourous gown, disgusting Crocs (I soooo hate those things) and necked the remainder of the temazapam (2 pills) and went to the loo to stick the diclofenac up my bum!!

I remember enjoying the drugs more last time, maybe this time I was more anxious, there seemed more at state, this was the final go and I was nervous about how many eggs I would get.

The procedure itself hurt more than last time, again I think because I was less relaxed.

First call from the embryologist was 'just cells', my heart sank.
'we need an egg from this one please' said the Dr.
Sure enough...'First egg' was the next thing I heard from the embryologist ...phew at least I had one!

Half an hour later and the procedure was over...I had 4 eggs. I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed.

The nurse assured me that that was good, and that on the short protocol they normally expect a woman to produce 3 - 5 eggs. I had never heard that before but it made me feel better immediately.

The Dr came in and said that he had been happy with the procedure, that everything had gone acording to plan and that all we needed was a bit of luck.

The embryologist came in and said that the sperm looked good, they would do the ICSI that afternoon and then ring me in the morning...

Now the agonising wait for the fertilisation report.

This is where it all went wrong last time. I couldn't bear to think of it happening again.

The final countdown...

Shit Shit Shit...

It's almost here....I'm counting down the hours until the Trigger Shot.

I went to the clinic on Monday for my bloodwork and first scan.
My womb lining was nice and thick & I had one follicle of a decent size, 3 or 4 that they hoped would ripen up if they 'left' me a couple of days, and a few that probably wouldn't make it in time.

So I was sent home with some more Menopur, told to inject for another couple of nights and to come back on Wednesday. (Today)

Like a good girl, i did as I was told. During IVF you don't dare do anything but. You follow instructions to the letter, to the minute.

I woke up feeling heavier, and hoped this was down to my lovely follicles growing into a decent size. Last time I had 5 eggs, 4 of which were mature, none of which fertilised. I was hoping for more this time. I was hoping for at least 6 or 7. Call me greedy.

So at the clinic this morning I was some what disappointed to discover that I only had 4 follicles of the right size. There's a couple of follicles that might grow up in time but these will definitely be a bonus.

I'm trying not to be disheartened and to stay positive but I'm struggling. If it wasn't for my lovely Twitter friends I would be in a right old state!!

They have reminded me that it only takes one good egg and that for some people, 4 follicles is a good amount.

I'm just a bit pissed off with my left ovary. My right ovary has been a good ovary and basically created all of the worthy follicles... What has the left ovary done? Not a bloody lot, a few pesky follicles that have no intention of ripening up by Friday. Damn you left ovary...what happened? Last time you performed ok, you had the same drugs as the right, what's your problem?!!

Anyways, I am a nervous wreck. I am terrified. This time during the last cycle of IVF I was so excited. This time I am horribly aware of what can go wrong.

How many eggs will be recovered? How many will be mature? How many will fertilise?

Will I get as far as asking the next set of questions?

How many have divided? How many are still alive on transfer day?
How many can I have transfered?
When's my OTD?

So many questions, and I just have to wait for the answers...

This is gonna be hard, I have been burnt by last times experience and patience was never one of my strong points.

Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Wish me luck everyone :)

Trigger shot is at 9.30 tonight.

UPDATE: Trigger shot is done :)

Let the alchemy begin-injection time .

I've got a few minutes to kill before setting off for my acupuncture sesh so I thought I'd update with the latest...

I went to the clinic yesterday to have my first bloods taken. I was a bit nervous, and not at all happy at the prospect of getting up at 6am and driving for an hour and half to get to the clinic.

I wasn't sure why I was nervous, it's not like I haven't been through this before, and lets face it, having bloods done is the easy bit. I think it's because the realisation hit that here I am, after all the waiting, embarking on Round 2 of the IVF. Somehow the 3 weeks of HRT don't seem to count. Although they should do considering how emotionally difficult & draining they were.

So arrive at the clinic, it's really busy. I try sneaking a peek at everyone else in the room, wondering what their story is. I notice that most have wedding bands on, some have even brought their husbands. Some look older than me, some look younger.

I have my blood taken and then go off into a freezing side room to sign all my latest consent forms...

'Do you remember all the risks, or shall I go through them again?'

No...I remember, only too well.

'Just cos you responded last time, doesn't mean you will respond this time'

Great...how often does that happen?

'Rare, but we have to warn you'

Oh as in rare for all of your eggs not to fertilise...great

The nurse told me not to bother ringing at midday as "It's highly unlikely you'll be ready to start, just come back on Wednesday"

This, to be honest, was what I expected but am growling inside at the thought of another early start.

So I really wasn't ready for the phone call at 1pm from the clinic telling me that my bloods revealed I was ready to go...

Whhaaaattt? Shit....I'm not ready, I'm not mentally prepared, I should have another 2 days, at least, to prepare myself for the injections...

Well, obviously not, first shot of Suprecur was done last night, OH.MY.GOD, it fuckin hurt. It burnt like hell and I had a huge red lump for hours later that I desperately wanted to scratch but didn't dare...

Tonight is the Menopur injection too...Let the alchemy begin.

Right I'm off, for some more pins, time for some acupuncture....anyone would think I'm a masochist...

What with doing the Zita West CD earlier and acupuncture this afternoon, I intend to be pretty blissed out this evening !

The next step....here I go again...

So I've finished the HRT and I couldn't be happier. Being an emotional psycho is bloody hard work and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...How on earth do emotional psychos manage it full time? Maybe being a hormonal emotional psycho is worse...Anyways, I am so OVER it...I hope I never come into contact with those wicked brown & white pills EVER again....

Which takes me neatly onto the next stage...

I've enjoyed a drug free weekend (never thought I'd d myself find myself saying that)but have been slightly disappointed that my tears didn't dry up with my HRT drug use, I am still crying at ridiculous things, thank god I am single or I would be seriously embarrassing myself...crying at Britain's Got Talent....purrrlease, get a grip woman.

Tomorrow morning I have the first of many early starts (I hate early starts), I am off back to the clinic to have blood taken. If it's the same as last time I'll have to go back on wednesday and probably start shooting up Suprecar & Menopur sometime around then...

Shitting myself, well not literally, but I am feeling pretty scared...and then excited...and then scared again....ooo, and excited....here I go again :)

Happiness is....a milkshake :)

It's been a hard couple of weeks being a emotional psycho.

Furious one minute, close to tears the next.

I feel bloated and fat, even my feet have swollen up. This hasn't been helped by the recent heatwave. I have nothing to wear. The only thing i feel remotely comfy in makes me look like I am up the duff already, and the mood I have been in, I simply couldn't risk anyone ask me if I'm pregnant. I could not of been held responsible for my actions, my defence in court would of been 'forgive her, she's been on HRT'!! It's enough to turn anyone into a psycho.

I have failed miserably at the 'positive & calm' approach. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling of miserableness. I'm not sure how my friends feel,but i have been doing my own head in. It has been like PMT with knobs on, nothing is right, i feel highly critical of everyone & everything and I have had a strong sense of self loathing.

I hope I am not speaking too soon but I am hoping this bad patch has drawn to a close. I have felt better over the last couple of days. I'm not sure whether this is because I have finished the little brown pills & started the white pills which has pushed my body into having a bleed, or because I have discovered MILKSHAKES :) Probably a combination of both.






During my last cycle of IVF, my then acupuncturist, who I didn't really like, made me feel terribly guilty for eating dairy. This time I have been trying to eat a diet higher in protein to try & help improve the quality of my eggs.

The other day, after expressing some concern about egg collection, some lovely ladies on Twitter (@Ivyef & @jillyjohn) suggested that I drink plenty of milk, water & eat plenty of fruit. They even suggested I start making milkshakes...and that I shouldn't worry too much about calories until after the EC. Oh well, I am fat anyway,what's another couple of weeks?!!

Oh my...I am love, love,loving the milkshakes and for the first time in weeks have felt some happiness creep in! Sad isn't it?!!!

I have made a decaf coffee milkshake, a banana milkshake, a strawberry yoghurt milkshake. I have tried the lower fat version by replacing the icecream with low fat vanilla yoghurt and even that was delicious.(of course I prefer it with ice cream!!)...can i put it in a milkshake...No??? Well, i'm not interested :)

While my friends around me are enjoying nights out, glasses of wine & cocktails, I am getting excited about milkshakes...the old party animal in me is turning in her grave!!

So, just 5 more days on the little white pills, a weekend drug free (yipeeee) and then it's a trip to the clinic to have my first bloodwork done a week today. Then a week - 10 days on the injections and it'll be egg collection time...

Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaa.....