I'll start at the begining....

When I was younger, I imagined that by the time I was 40 I would have a partner and several kids. Hmmm...

Well, I find myself 40, single & childless....

In my teens, 20's & 30's I responsibly did everything in my power NOT to get pregnant......I'm now thinking that was a little foolish and that I wasted my most fertile time fucking around with unsuitable men...

I didn't think they were unsuitable at the time and I had alot of fun, but the ones I wanted to settle down and have kids with had no interest in doing that with me. Guys I had absolutely no interest in wanted to settle down and have kids with me. C'est la vie.

Basically...I just never met the right man.

At this stage in the proceedings, my options seem pretty slim. I haven't got the time to meet someone new and hope they are the 'man of my dreams' and 'perfect father material', my fertility is declining at an alarming rate (or so the 'experts' tell me). You have got to get to know someone before you even consider bringing a child into the world with them. I have been out with men for up to 2 years before I realised what 'cocks' they were. I haven't got another 2 years...

I could go out and have one night stands just after ovulating in the hope of getting pregnant, but the thought of tricking some unsuspecting man in fatherhood just doesn't sit well and isn't a story I would like to pass on to my child when they ask who their father is.

I have considered asking a male friend, in fact there were two I considered asking, then just before I asked one of them he revealed that he had met someone new. They now seem very much in love and are preparing to buy a house together, I doubt his relationship would of gone quite so smoothly if he'd announced to his new beau that I was carrying his child or that he couldn't have sex with her tonight because he was off round to mine to knock one out and give me the goods. It didn't seem fair to ask any of my friends and maybe jeopardise their chances of a 'normal, happy relationship'.

Which left me with the sperm bank.....

My father had a huge positive impact on my life. I struggled with the idea of bringing a child into the world without one. It certainly wasn't ideal, but if I wanted a child it seemed my only option.

It was not a decision I came to lightly. In fact I had researched having a baby without a father (mannotincluded.com)about 5 years before hand, but had dismissed it because I was still holding out for the dream, a man who I loved, who loved me, and having a child born out of the love and passion that we shared together.

I wish I had done something about it then, my eggs would of been fresher and my chances of getting pregnant would of been so much higher...

I have no more time to waste waiting for the dream...

Which pretty much brings me to where I am now. Single, 40 & childless and just about to embark on The Baby Making Files.....