It's not good news I'm afraid....

My heart sank...

"why, what's happened"?

"I'm sorry to have to tell you that none of your eggs have fertilised".

The tears started rolling as the embryologist explained to me that 4 out of my 5 eggs were mature but that surprisingly none of them had fertilised with the sperm. She claimed it wasn't an expected result as the eggs and the sperm had both looked good. "It doesn't happen very often, but occasionally it does".

I asked what happened now, "I'm afraid that's the end of the road as far as this cycle is concerned."

I could hardly believe it, I wasn't expecting it to fail at this point. Maybe after the transfer, when the embryos hadn't stuck...but not at this stage. I was in complete and utter shock. All over...End of the road....£4000 for nothing...my hopes and dreams of being a Mum over...Nooooooooo

She asked me if I'd like to make an appointment to see the consultant to discuss what might of happened and we made an arangement for the Monday (when I had been expecting to have the embryo transfer). I was distraught.

And now I had to tell people. Devastated I rang my Mum first, as I told her I could hear her crying too as she told me how desperately sorry she was.

Unable to cope with other people's reactions, I sent the few people I had told about the IVF a message explaining it hadn't worked, I rang my closest friend (who has also had IVF...it worked first time for her...she has adorable twins) and I cried down the phone to her.

For the rest of the day I sat numb on the sofa, in the same position all day, silently weeping and occasionally breaking out into sobs...

I was just so disappointed...

I felt a complete failure...

The sperm donor had proven fertility...so it must of been my eggs...

And what implications did that hold for the future? If I tried again, would i be able to use my own eggs or would i have to consider donor eggs & donor sperm. This would mean that my child would have no genetic link to me...should I adopt?

I had always said that if I couldn't have my own child that I would adopt or foster...Now, I felt I wasn't ready to give up the idea of giving birth to my own baby.

I never thought I would, but I started to consider using donor eggs....the goal posts having changed once again.

My Mum rang to see how I was..."You have to try again"
I explained I didn't think I could afford it and she generously said she would lend me the money. Having already lent me money for the first cycle, I felt dreadful, not knowing how I would ever pay her back. She told me that money wasn't important and that I was spending my inheritance.

I expressed my fears over my old eggs and wondered to her if there was any point in trying again, she told me not to give up and to wait and see what the consultant said on Monday...

It was going to be a long 2 days wait...