Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Another chat with the psychic...

I had just finished my dinner when there was a knock on my door...

I opened it to see my neighbours friend, the psychic man who told me the other day that he had news to tell me but would save it for another day.

I delightedly welcomed him inside, I had worried that it would be a while before I saw him again and was intrigued to know what he had to tell me.

Mum and I were still reeling from shock at how accurate he had been about my grandmother.

As soon as he came in, he said that he had spoken to my neighbour. He said he was sorry to disturb me but my neigbour had insisted he come round immediatly and see me.

"You're going to have a baby, there's a baby on the way...are you pregnant now?"

I told him that that was what I hoped he was going to tell me, that I wasn't pregnant but that I was just about to start on my second round of IVF.

He had asked my neighbour if I was pregnant, and that if I wasn't a baby was on the way very soon. My neighbour, a lovely lady called Beth,knows about my IVF and she insisted he come round and tell me immediatly. Beth hadn't said anything about IVF or about me trying for a baby.

He said that I wasn't to worry, that I would give birth to a large bubbly buddah, "she'll be a large baby". He said that he thought I may well have a caesarean and that I would give birth in the latter half of 2011, which wouldn't fit for this round of IVF. He said," Have you got 3 goes?"
I explained that I had always said that I would give it 3 goes, he said that it would probably happen on my third attempt....Hmmm...what to do? Do I wait...do I go ahead? The spirits are known for getting times wrong!! The baby would be born in 2011 if I got pregnant this time, but in March not later on in the year.

He then went on to talk about how my Dad was with me. He correctly told me how he died,(heart attack) and that he was young (54). He then told me that there had been a man in my life who he didn't like, and asked me if he had gone. I said that he had, he correctly said his name and said that he could hear music around him, (he is a musician)

He mentioned some other names of family members and then spoke about my Mum and how sensitive she was. He asked if she was seeing someone new, I said no, but it seems there may be someone coming up for her too. I hope so, I'd love for her to have a loving partner again.

With that he got up to go saying that next time he was around he would pop in for a chat and tell me anything else he might 'recieve'.
He told me not to worry, I would give birth to a baby girl. (I always imagined my first born would be a girl)

I feel so relieved, so excited and now raring to go. I feel I have been given a sign/ confirmation from the gods/spirits that I doing the right thing and that my dreams really will come true...

I am back in PMA mode :)

Monday, 29 March 2010

Fertility Foods & Fertility No No's...

I've been reading a few books on fertility and diet and have compiled a list that I thought I would share, I am struggling with some of the fertility no no's, shocked to see that both rhubarb and peas are no good for us TTC ladies!

If there is anything i have missed out please feel free to comment & share the knowledge, I will update the list!

I just have to add that the Australian Bush Flower Essence 'She Oak' is amazing for treating all cases of infertility. I have seen 2 women have healthy pregnancies, births & children after taking this remedy. Both had struggled for years ttc.


Algae (Blue green)
Aloe Vera
Bee Pollen.
Berries (Blue, black, cranberry &strawberry)
Brussel Sprouts
Coconut & Coconut Milk
Flax seeds
Grapes (red)
Hemp seed Protein
Lemons & Limes
Pumpkin Seeds
Q 10
Royal Jelly
Sea Veg
Sesame seeds
Sunflower seeds
Sweet potato


Aspartame (found in diet drinks)
Animal fats
Biscuits, sweets & cakes
Reduce or eliminate dairy
Drugs, both medicinal & recreational
Fried foods
GM Foods
Junk Food
St John's wort
non organic meat
Red clover
Tonic water
Wheat & gluten

Environmental HAZARDS

Eat Organic food
Filter water
Careful about cleaning products
Avoid plastic use glass
Avoid clingfilm
Avoid non stick pans
Use eco paints
Careful in the garden, of herbicides & pesticides.
Electromagnetism, limit time on computer, dont sit with laptop on lap.
Don't carry mobile phones in pockets.
Remove electrical appliances from bedroom.
Remove glow in the dark alarm clock from bedrooms.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

A good omen, a psychic and some family history.

Yesterday my neighbour gave me some bags of compost for my allotment and asked if I would return the bags so that she could fill them up again for me..

Today, I went to return the bags. She was just on her way back into her house and she had 2 friends with her. She asked if I minded if they had a look in my house & check out the spiral staircase. As they came over one of them claimed to be a fan of my cat Yoda (a black Persian)despite being dog lovers!

They came in the house and we chatted for a couple of minutes and then they left to go back to my neighbours....

My Mum came round and as we were on our way out to get some lunch we ran into my neighbours friends again...

"Have you a Rose in the family" one of them asked me..

Mum & I were quite taken aback and said that we had.

"It's just when I came into your house, I felt the name very strongly, she is with you now" He looked at my Mum and asked if it was her Mum.

My neigbour said.."OOOH, he's very psychic!!"

Now...My Mum was adopted and didn't find out (although she had her suspicions) until long after her adoptive parents (who had always denied it) had died.

One night, about 15 years ago my Mum & I were chatting about the fact she had been adopted and I asked her if she had ever thought about tracing her real mother. She said that she had thought about it but never done anything about it. I asked her what she knew about her. She told me that when she had originally found out she was adopted she had gone to St Catherine's house to get a copy of her birth certificate, the officials then told her that all records to do with her adoption had been destroyed in the war.

My Mum said the only details she had was her original birth certificate and that an old aunt had told her that she had be born in somewhere called the Mission Of Hope in Croydon. We looked again at the birth certificate and saw that her mother's name was Rosetta Camomile but the father was unknown. Intrigued I asked my Mum to think again about tracing her because I was really interested. She said that she would.

The next morning, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wondered whether 'The Mission of Hope', then an unmarried mothers home, could now be an old people's home or residential care home.

I looked at the birth certificate and saw that The Mission of Hope was in Croydon,I took note of the street name, I took out the Yellow Pages and looked for OAP Homes in croydon, looking out for that street in particular. There were lots of residential homes so I just picked one randomly...and made a call.

A woman answered the phone...

"Hi, I was wondering if you might know where the Mission of Hope is in Croydon?" (This was the days before the Internet & google!!!)

The woman at the end of the phone said to me.."You're not gonna believe this about about 20 years ago, I used to work opposite there, however it's not called the Mission of Hope anymore, it's now called Birdhurst Lodge".

I then rang directory enquiries and found the number. I rang them asking if they had records dating from 1942 (the date my mother was born)..."Yes" they said, "Get your Mum to ring us and we can forward all the details to her".

Wow...what a coincidence. Of all the women to answer my call, I should get someone who knew where it was!! Hurrah :)

The Mission of Hope, Birdhurst Lodge, Croydon.

We received a few more details about Rosetta, there was 2 letters she had written saying how thrilled she was that her daughter had been adopted by such a nice family, that she was surprised that it had happened so quickly and that she would be delighted to receive photos. There was also a couple of forms that she had filled in on entering the home with her age, address and am agreement to do light housework while she was there.

On the form the baby (my mum) was referred to as 'it'. Does your Mother know about 'it'... Yes.... Does your father know....No...Will the father of the child be involved?....No

There wasn't much else.

Armed with the little information we had we set out to find out more about her.
We knew how old she was from the forms but had no DOB. There was something inside my head that kept telling me she was a Gemini (I am a Gemini)I couldn't explain why I thought that.

My Mum set off to find more details and went to check the records so that we could find her DOB, see if she had married and check to see if she had any other children.

When we finally found her DOB we were shocked to see that Rosetta and I shared the same birthday. I immediately understood why I felt such a connection to a woman I had never met.

Unfortunately she had died some years ago so meeting her wasn't an option. The records we found revealed that she had married about a year after my Mum was born but that she hadn't had any more children.

The only connection we had left to explore was when we found a copy of her will we saw that her money had gone to her husband and when he died he had left the estate to his brother who was married to a lady called Jennifer.

Jennifer was old and unwell, and it was clear that she hadn't known my Grandmother very well. "Rose and Sydney kept themselves to themselves" Despite hearing that she had be known as Rose, we have always referred to her as Rosetta.

I found out a few more details about her family but pretty much came to a dead end as far as Rosetta was concerned.

She has never been too far from my mind though, and I thought about her alot as I was thinking about having a child with a anonymous sperm donor. I worried that this was History repeating itself, but that I was going into a situation my grandmother had no choice about, but going into it consciously.

At first My Mum struggled with the idea if me having a sperm donor baby, I think it felt a little close to home. This was until I explained that the situation would be very different. I will never lie to my child, I will bring them up to know the truth, and will actively assist them to find out more about their father if this is what they want to do. I won't be taking secrets to the grave like the previous generations of my family.

Which brings me back to what happened today...Yes, we do have a Rose in the family, and I am delighted to know that she is close to me and has a strong presence in my house, especially with what I am going through now with the IVF.

My neighbours friend then said that he had some other things to tell us but would save it for another day. When I asked him what it was, he said "It's about you".

I asked him if I should be worried, he said "No, exactly the opposite, something very good,nothing to worry about at all, you have very good karma in your house".

Arggghhh...what was it he had to tell me?

I'll take it as a good omen, my grandmother is close and good things are coming my way...

Friday, 26 March 2010

Here we go again...

I arrived home yesterday to a large white envelope from the clinic, inside were some ovulation stix, consent forms, prescription for the cyclo-progynova and my drug protocol for the next round of IVF..

I couldn't wait to get it open, finally the feelings of terror seemed to subside and I could feel waves of excitement....I actually felt a bit giddy....until I saw the bill!!! Just over £4000...yelp...

Never the less....


There was nothing too surprising in the envelope, apart from realising that there are some drugs on my protocol that I don't recognise and didn't take before during the last cycle. I was under the impression my drug protocol was to remain the same as last cycle, but I must admit to feeling happier knowing that it seems to of been 'tweaked' a bit. This time Oestradiol Valerate has been added to my protocol..I've googled it...and am feeling more confident & positive by the minute :)

Female reproduction
In the female, estradiol acts as a growth hormone for tissue of the reproductive organs, supporting the lining of the vagina, the cervical glands, the endometrium, and the lining of the fallopian tubes. It enhances growth of the myometrium. Estradiol appears necessary to maintain oocytes in the ovary. During the menstrual cycle, estradiol that is produced by the growing follicle triggers, via a positive feedback system, the hypothalamic-pituitary events that lead to the luteinizing hormone surge, inducing ovulation. In the luteal phase estradiol, in conjunction with progesterone, prepares the endometrium for implantation. During pregnancy, estradiol increases due to placental production. In baboons, blocking of estrogen production leads to pregnancy loss, suggesting that estradiol has a role in the maintenance of pregnancy. Research is investigating the role of estrogens in the process of initiation of labor.

I can hardly wait to get started....One month (ish) to go and i'll be starting the HRT a week after ovulation...

I've just calculated the dates and it looks like egg collection will be in early june, OTD will be around my 41st birthday...what an amazing birthday present a positive result would be!

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Mixed Feelings....

Well, it's been a week of mixed feelings, at some points I've felt so miserable and negative I couldn't bring myself to blog...I seemed to of lost my PMA and all I can think about is
'what if this round doesn't work'
....I don't know how I could cope with another BFN & all the disppointment that goes with it. Money being what it is, this is probably my last chance. I am scared.

About 10 days ago I had a few tell tale signs that I was about to ovulate. I was quite pleased about this as I felt my hormones must be back to normal after all the IVF drugs...I had been worried that they might of mucked my system about and that my period might not appear as it should and that that would delay starting the next round of the IVF..

What I was less pleased about was the pre menstrual tension (well, pre-menstrual fury would be a more accurate description) that kicked in about a week ago. I have been silently growling at everything & everyone. Work has been difficult and I have been finding people most disagreeable!!

When I last saw my consultant he said that he wanted me to have 2 normal periods before we started the IVF again. This seemed an AGE away. Yesterday when my period arrived it seemed a whole lot closer...

So I am relieved that my period is here and proof that everything is working as it should, but I am hating the cramps and the heavy blood flow and am not enjoying the feeling of terror and fear about what's up ahead...

One half of me wants to get on with it, the other wants to wait and put of the potential disappointment...
Why am I so focused on potential disppointment? Why can't I get my head around the idea that it could be potential JOY....I could finally get what I want...

It just seems so far out of reach....

i am feeling like a split Gemini, the good twin with her PMA has gone awfully quiet,while the bad twin who is full of fear & doubt is loud and taking over....

Will the good twin please come back?

Friday, 12 March 2010

The Pilot or the teacher...

So first things first as i prepare myself for Round 2....The Sperm Donor..

Luckily there hasn't been too much of a wait, my first offer was a man who had dark brown hair, fair complexion, 5ft 9, medium build, O+, CMV-, interests include computer games, reading, walking, swimming and he is a student.

I must admit to being a little unispired! The sperm donor I used before in IVF Round One sounded so good I wanted to date him! (Maybe that was my mistake, picking the right men to go on dates with and have affairs with has never been my strong point!)

I was just about to say how unispired I was to one of my friends when she claimed "that sounds like Andy"..(her husband)...phew...close call, a narrow escape of foot firmly in mouth syndrome! Careful now!!

However main gripe with the latest donor was that he was new on the books..ie, an unproven donor...

Strange how your opinions change throughout the IVF journey....To begin with I was a little freaked to find out that the snowboarder (Donor NO 1) had proven fertility, ie..he already has kids out there...I kinda wished he hadn't. Now however, I cant take a risk on someone who hasn't worked his magic already...so I turned down offer NO 1.

My next offer was the teacher, dark hair and eyes, fair complexion, A+, CMV- and interests include Running, reading, football, travel, fitness, writing and research or the Pilot, 6ft 1, medium build, fair complexion, A+, CMV- whose interests include cookery, car and motor bike mechanics, going to the gym, and running....

My immediate response was that i liked the sound of the Pilot. A slightly more glamourous job than teaching and had the extra height. Plus he sounded pretty handy with his hands if he could fix cars & bikes.. I even found myself thinking that if I had a little boy i could imagine him with his toy airplane, I thought that it sounded like a good 'story' to tell a child when they ask about their father....until I thought about said little boy romanticizing the idea of being a pilot and telling me that he was off to join the RAF and go fight in some dreadful war...hmmm

Biggest thing though was something I had heard on the radio in the past week, a reminder of a subject that I had studied while doing my degree at university... ELF's ,VLF's, XRays and radiation and the effects they have on the human body...

What I heard on the radio was one of the latest studies of cabin staff and the affects of frequent flying. It seems they are in no doubt that it affects a womans hormones and menstrual cycle...so what about men?

So I googled it....and I didn't like what I read. Frequent flying can affect sperm ,it may reduce sperm counts, cause abnormal sperm shape, or adversely affect semen quality. ...It can also affect fertilisation.(which is where it all went wrong before)

Now I know sperm donors have to go through rigourous tests before their sperm is accepted, and I know that The Pilot must of had a good enough count for him to be accepted at the clinic, but could I risk it?

If I got zero fertilisation again, I would never forgive myself, i'd feel like my instincts were warning me and I had ignored them. (NEVER ignore your instincts...it's one of my 'rules'.) Besides, it didn't seem like a coincidence that I had heard that interview on the radio.

I rang the clinic to ask if they had heard anything about frequent flying affecting sperm and wondered to them If I was being a bit OTT, the woman at the end of the phone had to hold back the laughs...grrr...bitch! She made me feel a bit foolish.

I ummed and aahed...I aahed and ummed...
I got the dowsing crystal out, I did the best out of 3...I even tried a shamanic journey, deperately looking for a 'sign'...

Such a massive decision but with so few details to go on...

I then messaged a fertility doctor who was also a pilot on Twitter and asked him what he thought...his response....

" Tough question - Study would require LOTS of patients. Stress, heat, G-forces, radiation, all potential risks."

So, I've decided not to take the risk...

The teacher it is then....plus...he sounds more intelligent ;)

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Appt with the consultant...

So Monday was finally here...

Maybe I was gonna get some answers....why on earth did this happen to me?

The drive to the clinic was depressing, I kept thinking of what should be happening..
I should be on my way to do the embryo transfer not discuss where it had all gone horribly wrong...

My main concern...did i have dodgy eggs? Being a typical Gemini, I had two voices in my mind...I had one twin (the good twin) saying...Your fsh levels were good, your ovaries looked good, you responded well to treatment, it was suggested that you have a good ovarian reserve, this is just a blip...maybe it was the sperm...

But it was the bad twin that wouldn't shut up....your eggs are fucked, old, party animal eggs...as good as useless..there was nothing wrong with the sperm, he's got proven fertility....it's you.....time to think about donor eggs, adopting or fostering...

I'd checked out on the net for reasons for zero fertilisation, it could of been dodgy eggs, dodgy sperm, incompatibity or being just plain unlucky....was I about to find out which one it was??

Please don't tell me it's my eggs that are the problem....Please...

I sat nervously waiting to see the consultant. I watched as couples came in together. I was caught between feeling jealous that they had someone to share 'this' with and wondering what was wrong with them...was it him? Or her? Or unexplained? What struck me most was how young they all were.

There was a guy there sat eating crisps...loudly, all i could hear in the room was crunching, well I suppose it distracted me from my thoughts...

I was called in to see DR S... "How are you? We are very disappointed with the result"..

You're disappointed....er..tell me about it...I'M disappointed...

As for answers...well, I didn't really get any...

Hmmm, well apart from that it was unlikely to be the sperm as they had never had a problem with him before..

My eggs looked OK, but they could of been a little tough (a problem with older ladies eggs), meaning that the sperm couldn't get through to fertilise. There was a sperm binding issue...Millions of the little buggers and not one of them could get through...

It could also of been a compatability issue...maybe my eggs just didn't fancy the snowboarder sperm and sent out their little antibodies to schuuh the little blighters away...

Who bloody well knows?

So what's next?

The consultant has suggested ICSI and a different sperm donor..

This would resolve the tough egg issue & compatability issue...

We really won't know any more unless I suffer zero fert again, and then I think we can safely assume that I have old, dodgy, doddery, good for nothing eggs....

But for now...I'm thinking it was a BIG FAT BLIP....(you gotta think like that, or why bother doing it again...)

I have posted a question about zero fert on a Bulletien Board run by the clinic...It's a pretty good site for anyone who's interested as most subjects to do with infertility have been discussed by women going through similiar issues..


I wondered how many other women had suffered zero fertilisation and if any had gone on to achieve fertilisation or pregnancies....I was very encouraged by the responces.

It seems it's not just me, and it can be one of those things that 'just happen'...


So, I was told to expect a bleed and that it might be heavier and more painful than most....It was...

Now I am waiting for a 'natural period', then I must wait for another natural period and then I will be ready to go through the whole thing again...

Second time lucky eh...

It's not good news I'm afraid....

My heart sank...

"why, what's happened"?

"I'm sorry to have to tell you that none of your eggs have fertilised".

The tears started rolling as the embryologist explained to me that 4 out of my 5 eggs were mature but that surprisingly none of them had fertilised with the sperm. She claimed it wasn't an expected result as the eggs and the sperm had both looked good. "It doesn't happen very often, but occasionally it does".

I asked what happened now, "I'm afraid that's the end of the road as far as this cycle is concerned."

I could hardly believe it, I wasn't expecting it to fail at this point. Maybe after the transfer, when the embryos hadn't stuck...but not at this stage. I was in complete and utter shock. All over...End of the road....£4000 for nothing...my hopes and dreams of being a Mum over...Nooooooooo

She asked me if I'd like to make an appointment to see the consultant to discuss what might of happened and we made an arangement for the Monday (when I had been expecting to have the embryo transfer). I was distraught.

And now I had to tell people. Devastated I rang my Mum first, as I told her I could hear her crying too as she told me how desperately sorry she was.

Unable to cope with other people's reactions, I sent the few people I had told about the IVF a message explaining it hadn't worked, I rang my closest friend (who has also had IVF...it worked first time for her...she has adorable twins) and I cried down the phone to her.

For the rest of the day I sat numb on the sofa, in the same position all day, silently weeping and occasionally breaking out into sobs...

I was just so disappointed...

I felt a complete failure...

The sperm donor had proven fertility...so it must of been my eggs...

And what implications did that hold for the future? If I tried again, would i be able to use my own eggs or would i have to consider donor eggs & donor sperm. This would mean that my child would have no genetic link to me...should I adopt?

I had always said that if I couldn't have my own child that I would adopt or foster...Now, I felt I wasn't ready to give up the idea of giving birth to my own baby.

I never thought I would, but I started to consider using donor eggs....the goal posts having changed once again.

My Mum rang to see how I was..."You have to try again"
I explained I didn't think I could afford it and she generously said she would lend me the money. Having already lent me money for the first cycle, I felt dreadful, not knowing how I would ever pay her back. She told me that money wasn't important and that I was spending my inheritance.

I expressed my fears over my old eggs and wondered to her if there was any point in trying again, she told me not to give up and to wait and see what the consultant said on Monday...

It was going to be a long 2 days wait...

Monday, 8 March 2010

Egg Collection Day...

I took my first Temazepam last night, and had a surprisingly good nights sleep (thanks to the temazepam!)and I'd woken up nervous but mostly excited.

Although my friend said her egg collection was excruciatingly painful, I had read that some women don't feel it at all. I was gonna be one of THOSE women!

Arrived at the clinic armed with my Mum, some furry socks, 2 more temazepam and a diclofenac suppository...mmm, nice!I was not looking forward to sticking that up my bum.

The nurse came in with a few more things for me to sign and explained the procedure that was about to take place. I necked my temazepam and then went to the loo to put the diclofenac in position. Went back to the little warm waiting room and put on the white towelling robe & plastic clogs that had been provided...i felt very glamourous....NOT

Half an hour or so went by and I could feel the temazepam kicking in, it reminded me of being stoned and i was quite enjoying it until I had to stand up and go to the loo. That reminded me of my party animals days, staggering around completely off my head at 5 o'clock in the morning. Mum & I had a bit of a giggle as I nearly fell over on the way to the loo.

The nurse came in and guided me through to procedure room. I sat myself in the chair and put my legs up in the stirrups....Oh the glamour of it all!

The Dr then started work, the lovely nurse giving me a running commentary of what he was doing. I couldn't see anything apart from the nurse but my Mum watched as they filled 30 or so test tubes with liquid/blood from my ovaries...I didn't feel a thing :)

I could hear the embryologist in the next room, "one egg"....."just cells"...."egg number 2"....

The final count was 5 eggs which I was disappointed with, I had hoped for more,but the nurse said that that was plenty..

I went back to the little warm room and waited for the consultant to come in.. He said that the procedure had gone well and that he was pleased with the result. All we had to do now was wait for the sperm to defrost and then it would be mixed with my eggs. The consultant said that they expected 40-60% of the eggs to fertilise.

I was to go home, rest and wait for a phone call the following day to tell me how many of the eggs had fertilised. The transfer was planned for 3 days later...

I went home and excitedly tried to imagine the cells dividing and growing...

I was not prepared for what happened the following morning....

Round One....

So, I've got my head around the IVF, well, as much as it is possible to do so. If I want my own child this is how I've got to go about it, needs must.

I've had my tests and can gladly say that I haven't got AIDS, Hep B or C, Chlamydia, I am CMV+ and my blood group is O+.

I've had my first meeting with the ultasound wand and my ovaries look good, there are no cysts, fibroids and my womb looks clear.

I was even delighted to hear (after all the negativity about my age & chances of sucess) that I had 'the ovaries of a younger woman'.....Yipee

I'd chosen my sperm donor....a 6ft snowboarder, dark hair & eyes, whose interests were maths,physics, movies,listening to music, concerts and spending time with friends or a 5ft 9 policeman, dark hair, bluey/brown eyes, into cars, cooking, football & wine....an easy decision...the snowboarder it is then...He seemed more of an all rounder.

Things were looking good. So far, everything was going according to plan. Surely the universe would of stepped in and created a problem if this was not 'meant to be'.

First things first was to find out when I was ovulating. This involved peeing in a pot once a day and waiting for the two little blue lines to appear on the little white test sticks.

Hurrah....I've ovulated.... Now I had to wait 7 days before i could start taking my HRT tables. (HRT??? At my age?....Apparently so!)

I was on the short protocol, the one designed for older women who were not expected to create as many eggs. By all accounts this is the easier of all the protocols, although not actually any shorter in time, the actual time spent injecting drugs was less.

I was on the HRT for about 20 days....

I was expecting to turn into a hormonal banshee, maybe flying into rages or floods of tears...but nothing...I didn't really feel any different.

After a few days of stopping the HRT, I was due at the clinic at 8am. (ouch, now that did hurt)
I am not an easy early riser and the drive to the clinic was a good hour and half so this meant getting up at 6...that was the worst bit.

You'd get to the clinic, be there all of 5 minutes, have some blood taken and then have to drive back.

On my second visit they told me I was ready to start my injections.

One shot of Suprecur in one leg and then the Menopur shot in the other leg.

The Suprecur was easy, although stung a little..

Mixing the Menopur made me feel like an alchemist as I mixed 3 amps of the FSH to one water solvent trying hard not to create too many bubbles and have what my friend described as 'bubble trouble'....

As unlikely as it sounds, I quite enjoyed my injections!! It seemed symbolic and was a sign that I was really doing IVF.

A few more trips back to the clinic and one more close encounter with the ultrasound wand and I was told I was ready to go...

The nurse told me that I had a 'mixed bag' when it came to my follicles. I had 3 large ones and 3 or 4 that they were hoping would ripen up by the time I had my egg collection...

All in all, I had only been on the injections for a week, and despite putting on a little weight and feeling a little bloated, I have to say I experienced no side effects...all was good...

I was excited...this was it...In a week or so I could be pregnant....

You're too old for IUI....

I'd heard IVF described as an emotional rollercoaster, but I hadn't thought the rollercoaster journey would start quite so soon...

What do you mean my chances of IUI working are slim?
Bloody hell, Id only just got my head around doing this on my own, let alone getting my head around IVF...

Not only was IVF gonna cost alot more money...it seemed alot less natural than IUI and I worried about all the fertilty drugs. I am a Homeopath by trade and I was taught to try and disuade people away from IVF. This was going to challenge all my previously conceived ideas & beliefs...

Where was I gonna find the money from? Why, oh why did I leave it this long? Idiot.

I was angry at myself, my body and all the men that I had wasted time on.

I felt like a failure.

I had seen a friend of mine go through IVF, her partner had problems with his little fellas, they were abnormally shaped and swimming the wrong way....At the time I'm afraid to say that I judged them a little. I wasn't sure I believed in IVF, weren't we meddling in Nature's work?

It just shows you should never judge unless you are walking in someone else's shoes, I never thought I would even consider IVF....But here I am, considering IVF.....The goal posts have changed and my beliefs are going to have to change with them.

If I wanted a child I was gonna have to get my head round IVF....

I'll start at the begining....

When I was younger, I imagined that by the time I was 40 I would have a partner and several kids. Hmmm...

Well, I find myself 40, single & childless....

In my teens, 20's & 30's I responsibly did everything in my power NOT to get pregnant......I'm now thinking that was a little foolish and that I wasted my most fertile time fucking around with unsuitable men...

I didn't think they were unsuitable at the time and I had alot of fun, but the ones I wanted to settle down and have kids with had no interest in doing that with me. Guys I had absolutely no interest in wanted to settle down and have kids with me. C'est la vie.

Basically...I just never met the right man.

At this stage in the proceedings, my options seem pretty slim. I haven't got the time to meet someone new and hope they are the 'man of my dreams' and 'perfect father material', my fertility is declining at an alarming rate (or so the 'experts' tell me). You have got to get to know someone before you even consider bringing a child into the world with them. I have been out with men for up to 2 years before I realised what 'cocks' they were. I haven't got another 2 years...

I could go out and have one night stands just after ovulating in the hope of getting pregnant, but the thought of tricking some unsuspecting man in fatherhood just doesn't sit well and isn't a story I would like to pass on to my child when they ask who their father is.

I have considered asking a male friend, in fact there were two I considered asking, then just before I asked one of them he revealed that he had met someone new. They now seem very much in love and are preparing to buy a house together, I doubt his relationship would of gone quite so smoothly if he'd announced to his new beau that I was carrying his child or that he couldn't have sex with her tonight because he was off round to mine to knock one out and give me the goods. It didn't seem fair to ask any of my friends and maybe jeopardise their chances of a 'normal, happy relationship'.

Which left me with the sperm bank.....

My father had a huge positive impact on my life. I struggled with the idea of bringing a child into the world without one. It certainly wasn't ideal, but if I wanted a child it seemed my only option.

It was not a decision I came to lightly. In fact I had researched having a baby without a father (mannotincluded.com)about 5 years before hand, but had dismissed it because I was still holding out for the dream, a man who I loved, who loved me, and having a child born out of the love and passion that we shared together.

I wish I had done something about it then, my eggs would of been fresher and my chances of getting pregnant would of been so much higher...

I have no more time to waste waiting for the dream...

Which pretty much brings me to where I am now. Single, 40 & childless and just about to embark on The Baby Making Files.....